Fear & Loathing

I had a conversation last night with someone about Fear, and it came to a point where I could no longer verbalize what I felt.  That never happens to me.  So I thought I would try to put it down here, in long-hand, to try and get that out.

I am afraid.  Sometimes it gets overwhelming, and I need to pull away, breathe, and get myself back under control.  Fear is a phantasm; it is not real.  It is a product of your own mind, a combination of negative thoughts and anxiety.  I do my best to not let fear control me.  It is extremely difficult much of the time.  I know that I have to just laugh and press on anyway through the fear.  I know that when I follow my heart when choosing my actions, the end result will be something *of* my heart, and will be a good result. 

Sometimes, the fear gets in the way.  Sometimes doubts and anxiety cloud my vision of awesomeness, and cause me to misstep.  I am afraid of that happening, which causes a paradox.  I sometimes become afraid of the fear causing me to fail.  I become afraid of Fear Itself.  (Fuck you, FDR!)  Entering a given situation, if I go in unconcerned about the final outcome, the situation resolves itself with good results.  If I enter a situation where I have a desire for a specific outcome, the Fear latches on to the occasion, like a tick gripping a flap of arm fat, burrowing its monstrous little head into your body causing mind bending pain and insisting that you Deal With It, instead of anything else going on.  The alternative to this is to not give a fuck about anything, which is not really a solution, but a cop out.  That lifestyle is only maintainable so long as you have very little regard for yourself.

Many times, I am afraid of myself.  Nothing in this world, no outside influences frighten me more than my own ability to destroy.  I am aware of my own capabilities of destruction.  If I dwell on it for any length of time, it terrifies me right down to the bone.  I know what I can do.  Knowing what I can do is the only thing that keeps me from doing those things.  I do not consider myself particularly strong, just strong enough.  If a task needs completed, I can be strong enough to complete that task.  No question about it, I can be just exactly that strong, for as long as is needed to complete the task.  The toll afterwards is usually enormous, whether it is mentally or physically, but it is paid.  Is this a good quality?  Some might say absolutely, Yes, it is.  I just know that it is a terrible understanding of oneself.  I understand that there are very few tasks that can be put in front of me that I cannot accomplish.  Think about that.  When someone says that, you usually have visions of things like the Olympics.  Athletes reaching for the stars.  Steve Jobs.  Martin Luther King.  Mother Theresa, Mary Lou Retton, Nelson Mandella, Fucking Oprah Winfrey.  All amazingly talented and compassionate people, changing the world with their vision.  But, still just simple humans, like you and I.  Now consider the convex: Ed Gein's mutilations and experiments.  John Wayne Gacy.  Jerry Sandusky.  Jeffrey Dahmer.  Jack the Ripper.  The guy who just shot up the elementary school.  These are also people with Vision.  Visions of terror and destruction, but still... just simple humans. I understand my own capability to visualize and attack.  My ability to Identify and Resolve.  We all are born with equal parts good and evil within us.  The path taken in the course of your life depends entirely on which seed you water. 

Those are, of course, extreme examples.  I am no Hitler, any more than I am Ghandi.  But, I am aware of how my actions affect others.  Constantly, painfully aware of this fact.  I have 2 boys.  Having children is an instructional course in abject terror.  These boys' only influences from the world around them are the ones that I put in place.  Their entire world view is shaped by me and the things that I put in front of them.  Sometimes I feel that any influence I can give them, other than mine, is a positive influence.  How can I possibly allow my sweet children to become infected by the poison that saturates my being, seeps through my pores, weeps constantly from my soul?  I have a strong understanding of the depths and depravity possible by man... and while it may be a source of strength for me, I do not wish such an understanding on anyone.  I protect my children from the dangers present in the world, and I also protect them from Myself, as I represent those dangers as much as anything else.  More so, because I am their parent. 

I have influence over 2 more children, for the 2 years that I lived with them, and more.  I love these children with all of my heart, as I love my 2 boys.  These 2 love and respect me as well, as they have not had a male role model in their lives.  I will not pass judgement on their mother, but just say that these 2 have had a tougher time with life and parental influences than my children.  I was moved at times to do what I could to protect them from their mothers influence, as I had stumbled across someone who was decidedly more poisonous and damaged than I had ever really encountered before.  I did what I could here for the sake of the children, not seeing the damage that I was doing to the mother.  My own good will and intentions, for the sake of the children, added to the rift between the children and their mother.  I had fallen in love with the children, and not their mother, who also KNEW THIS FACT, but kept quiet about it for the sake of her kids.  My decisions, my actions, had caused this woman to suffer as she watched her kids drift further away from her, and on to me.  I was suffering because of the inability to communicate with this woman.  Meanwhile, my own children suffered from my misery, seeing me pushing so hard against something that I could not possibly move.  After two years plus, things finally came to a head, and everything exploded. 

Now, I am not jackass enough to believe that everything revolves around me.  It wasn't my fault that she was fucked up.  She was fucked up when I got there.  I took a chance on someone, and was blinded by all of the early warning signs, because BOOBS.  But, the fear is there.  The fear is that a situation like this spun completely out of my control, and people were hurt.  Not just people, but highly impressionable children were hurt.  Not only mine, which I can take responsibility for, but I voluntarily ordered up a plate of hurt for someone else's children as well.  Did I do some good?  Sure.  I am the dad to these kids that they never had.  I am their De De.  But now, I am not there any more.  I am not there to take care of them, to hold them when they cry, to snatch them up with they step out of line, yet they have been given the impression that I would be there for these things.  Like a De De should.  And, now I am not. 

Do I regret the whole situation? Absolutely not.  To do so would throw away everything that we have had.  To do so would piss all over the memories and the positive influence that I know I had over those 2 wonderful children.  But, the fear is there.  The fear is there, because I did crush them, with my actions.  Who else will I do this to in my lifetime?  The road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions.  What other 'good intentions' will crop up in my selfish quest for companionship?  Should I just give up?  Have no more relationships with anyone except for the few people that I must retain relationships with, for the rest of my life?

No.  I will not do that.  I will not let the terrorists fear win.  To do so, would be to give up the human experience.  What example would I be setting for my children, for all of the children that I have influence over, that giving up is ok?  The fear will not rule me.  It may influence me on occasion.  That tick is still gnawing on the back of my arm... but I am just going to slap it and press on. 


Oh, and because the profanity in this article is disastrously low:  Fuckery Shitball Cuntsicle Lollipop Ass Raped Bunghole Poop Shower.  You are welcome!


The Angry Man

NDAA

I read some stuff this week that got me a little fired up.  Something called the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA).  It's political season, and the biggest thing that pisses me off about all these adds and bitching is that, you absolutely CANNOT get a straight answer on anything.  It can't go 'Oh, NDAA, a bunch of people are bitching about this, I better look up what it is!'  Trying to do so gets thousands of pages of people bitching about one side or the other of it.  Try that with anything anyone is government is promoting, and you do not get FACTS, you get OPINIONS.  All that is available is random fuck heads interpretation of what was done, not what actually IS.  So, the shit that pissed me off is some guys opinion on what the NDAA means.  The article is here. 

It is a good article, and well written by a guy whose work I have read in the past, and I respect his opinions on things.  His discussion regarding why the NDAA is a bad thing was well reasoned and coherent, but unfortunately it does not reference the letter of the law, or the precise content of what is written in to the NDAA, merely conjecture from other sites and discussions about it.  I would recommend reading the article, but the gist of it is that the NDAA is a law allowing the U.S. government to detain someone suspected of terrorist sympathies or activities indefinitely, without council or anything else we enjoy under the protection of things like Habeaus Corpus.  He was against the law, and suggesting not that we vote for or against Obama, but just that the law was passed in the first place.  In fact, the very first sentence of the very first article that he references actually betrays his entire point.

It wasn't the article itself that pissed me off.  The article got me thinking about why Gladstone was upset, and I agree.  It does appear unconstitutional to hold anyone without due course, merely on the suspicion of terroristic action.  But, I also agree that, it was a decision that had to be made.  What pissed me off was the moronic, short sighted, vacuous, hate mongering jack fucks that were spewing gallons of bullshit in wrong headed support of the article.  As if the author was instigating outright revolt against our government.

As I said, as distasteful as the idea of detention without question is, it was a decision that is necessary in the current state of the nation.  Even though we have beaten them thoroughly in to submission, the terrorists won a huge victory that day.  They put us ridiculously on our guard, and have made us do stupid things and generally fucked us up for a decade.  Whatever their ultimate end goal was, they succeeded in rocking us back on our heels.  Now we live under the forcible perception that we are potentially under attack at any time.  In WWII, Roosevelt made the extremely difficult decision to imprison anyone in the country of Asian descent.  Why did he do that?  For fear of EXACTLY what happened to us in 2001.  Was it justified?  That can be debated for ever and ever, but the fact is, it happened.  It happened because of Pearl Harbor.

The debate on that issue goes that we were behaving in much the same manner as Hitler... by detaining 'undesirables', and impuning on their rights to humanity.  We had perfect justification for the action at the time, and that does not make it any less barbaric, but it IS something that happened, and with good reason.  For the greater good of the nation and its people.  It was a horrendous decision, one that no one should have to make ever... but there was one man whose job it was to decide things like that, and it was the duly elected president of the nation.  It is his JOB to decide things that should never have to be decided. He should never have been put in to a position to imprison hundreds of thousands of human beings, take them away from their homes and their families, lock them in to camps, hold them against their will for years... but he had hundreds of MILLIONS of other people to care for.  What was he to do?  No man should ever be put in a position of judgement against another man, but dammit, SOMETIMES it just has to be done.  We all know that there are some people in this world that just absolutely need an ass kicking.  Some motherfuckers just absolutely REFUSE to learn, until you beat the shit out of them.  Is it up to any man to decide when another man needs his ass kicked?  It shouldn't be, but by-fucking-god, sometimes a motherfucker just needs punched in the fucking head. 

I have seen other things this week. Take the 4 minutes to watch that video, and you will see what I mean.  Now, that security guard probably received a reprimand, but he made the right decision.  The dickbag with the camera probably uploaded the video expecting to get someone fired, and just solidified the point that the guard made the right decision.  That dude needed punched in the fucking mouth.  We live in the BEST country on the entire planet.  We have freedoms that most other nations dream of... yet, you have to understand that you still cannot just do what ever the fuck you want to do, and not have consequences!  I have the right to be an unrepentant, screaming fuck-hole.  I can hate all the black, white, and brown people I want, loudly and proudly.  I can talk all of the shit about how I hate my country and everything sucks here, and we should blow this whole thing up.  But, the second I slap my dick on the counter at Arby's and ask for some hot sauce for this sexy hunk of meat, I'm going to get arrested.  And, I fucking deserve it too.  It is a terrible, horrendous, heinous idea that someone may need to snatch up somebody for just THINKING about whipping their pecker out... but if it stops me from having to see Mr. Veiny while I'm eating my curly fries, then I'm going to have to go along with it.  Even in the event that it puts my own self at possible risk of detainment.  Because, I truly believe in my government.  I truly believe in people's general goodness and consideration of morality.  I believe in the process of Democracy, and elected officials, and that while not every single law passed makes sense to me, I believe that it makes sense to over half of my peers, and I am going to have to respect that.

I also believe I'll have another beer...




The Angry Man

Importance

I'm a big NPR junkie... really, I'm an 'anything that is on TV or Radio right now' junkie.  I watch Kathy Lee and Hoda on most mornings, for about 10 minutes, because that is what is on the TV in the Gym at work when I am on the treadmill.  If that doesn't happen to be on, I watch whatever else the last person had on the TV when using that particular treadmill, but most days, its KLG and Hoda.  I couldn't tell you from one day to the next what they were talking about, but during my morning walk, its fucking interesting as hell. 

I was listening to NPR on the way home today, and there was this bit about some guy in some fucking state with big lakes in it, and he was going on about how the lakes are being polluted, that Asian Carp are gang raping all the regular carp with their tiny rice dicks, that there needs to be more laws to protect the lakes from stuff, and that this issue is of SUPREME IMPORTANCE to the nation, and should be prioritized by the candidates.  I thought, "Why the fuck is this issue important to the nation?  What in the fuck does it have to do with me, in Ohio?  Who the fuck cares about Asian Carp buggery?  Other than the American Carp..."  Then that made me think what me thinking all of this has to do with me directly.

This guy was talking as if this was the MOST IMPORTANT thing in the world.  And to him, it probably is.  His world consists of these lakes.  His daily routine is determined by the state of these waters and the surrounding area.  This man's universe consists of that spot, and his 15 minutes of fame telling about it on NPR.  There is nothing in my entire life that I could say defined me, like those lakes do for that man.

But then I think, how shallow is that?  How shallow is it of me to think that someone else's entire existence can be defined so simply?  Was he simply saying that these lakes are of supreme importance, to try and garner support for his cause?  Yes.  Yes he was.  In order for his cause to grow and be respected, he needed to speak with such passion and douchebaggery to try and convince other people that what HE is involved in is important to everyone.  Even though it is plain that anyone who does not live in the immediate vicinity of this lake will never EVER be affected by anything that happens here.  It is his job, his agenda, to see to it that people respect what is going on inside his tiny little world. This man was speaking so aggressively about the importance of his water way, suggesting that the government needs to drop everything else to support this one area of the country.  Congress, will you stop sending support to oppressed nations, feeding and clothing your people, arranging for satisfactory health care, supporting your elderly, defending your borders... to keep my fish from being cornholed?  Pretty please?

The point here is not to shit on this one guy, but the fact that, to him, it was the most important thing in the world.  I do not have a 'most important thing' in my world.  As in, I may have an opinion on the lakes, but so does he, and his opinion is every bit as valid as mine.  I have an opinion on the President, or health care or abortion or gun control or the Jersey Shore or capital punishment or if Miller Light is good because it does in fact Taste Great or is it because it is Less Filling... and my opinion on any of these things is equally as valid as anyone else's opinion on these things.  I do not consider myself an expert in anything at all... and things that I might be an expert in (Nose picking and masturbation) I have no illusions that I know everything there is to know about them.  I only know what I have experienced during my lifetime, and your experiences are guarenteed to be different than mine. 

There are things that are important to me, and things that are not important to me, such as these lakes.  Does that mean that these lakes are not worthy of attention?  This is where I bring up Hitler again, and the fact that there were thousands of people who agreed with his mindset and his policies.  He did not single handedly murder 6 million Jews... he had a posse of like minded gangsters up in this piece, he had Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan, also with hordes of like-minded people in their wake.  Hitler was good at talking people in to his way of thinking.  So was Mussolini and Pol Pot and Kim Jong Il and Obama and Romney and George Clooney and Merril Streep and Sheriff Arpaio and Jerry Sandusky and the Westboro Baptist Church and Bill Nye and Professor X and Magneto and Rasputin... All of these people have that one thing in common; the ability to convert others to their way of thinking.  Who is right?

I am not dedicated to anything in my life.  I go to work, I take care of my kids, I pay my bills, I attend to my family and friends, and in most cases, I just exist... I am not trying to convince anyone of my good nature, my beliefs, my causes, my abilities, because I have no nature, no beliefs, no causes, no abilities.  I just am.  Is that such a bad thing?



The Angry Man

Personality

I went to a horror convention this weekend.  It fucking RULED.  No questions, no lies, it was an excellent time with one of my best friends.  One particular event happened during this weekend that bothered me from the moment it happened until I got home.  Edward Fucking Furlong. 

The big thing at these conventions is that you get a meet-and-greet with many stars from movies.  Being a horror convention, much of the participants were people that you probably do not recognize without a face full of bloody chunks or a mask or some shit.  A bunch of the crew from the Terminator franchise (Minus Ah-nold, unfortunately) and the Alien franchise (Minus Sigourney Weaver, because she actually still has a job) and some other folks from other horror stuff.  Linda Hamilton, The blonde chick from the newest Terminator movie, The guy who plays Boggs from Shawshank Redemption, The guy who plays the Android from Aliens, Vazques from Aliens, The Black Dude from Devils Rejects... Fuckin' Elvira... and it was like 20-30 bucks to buy an autograph and take a picture and get a handshake.  And then we come to Edward Fucking Furlong.

This is the kid from Terminator 2, Brainscan, American History X, and... well, basically nothing else, but if you IMDb him, he's got shit coming out currently, and has been working consistently for years.  He's around 35 now, and the reason I call him Edward Fucking Furlong is that he's a complete dickbag.  He looks like a burnout, and he's got the personality of a roast beef sandwich.  He looked completely baked, was gnawing on one of the plastic fake cigarettes, and when people would come up to him, he couldn't even look in their eyes or even fucking smile!  If you are at a convention and have the balls to charge people thirty goddamn dollars for the PRIVELEDGE of shaking your hand and taking a crappy cellphone picture and stand next to you for 15 seconds, you damn well better be a cheery mother fucker. 

Every single other star we visited was tickled to death that we wanted to meet them and say Hi.  Linda Hamilton was a sweetheart, I got to hug all up on some Elvira cleavage, Boggs from Shawshank was happy as shit that I just came and shook his hand and said I appreciated his work... didn't even buy anything from him, and he's still working his ass off and doesn't need the money, but he does it anyway.  We passed Furlong in the halls at the hotel a couple of times, and I greeted him every time with a 'Good evening, Mr. Fulong,' and all he did was glance back and say 'Hey, how's it going' and keep walking.  Fucker.

Now, here is what pisses me off.  Edward Fucking Furlong has a career in entertainment, basically playing himself: A moody, self obsessed, emo-kid.  How does a guy with a natural personality like that keep getting work in entertainment?  I couldn't get a job at a fucking casino in the back goddamn room because I'm not friendly enough, how does this butt-punching shit slug get jobs as a fucking entertainer?  He must have an AMAZING fucking agent with some balls out killer PR skills, because this fucking dude sure as stink on shit isn't landing his own roles.  He is still riding the coat tails of Terminator and American History X fame, which, lets be honest here, are not good movies because Edward Fucking Furlong is in them.  Terminator has Ah-nold and Linda Hamilton and that creepy fucking dude that plays T-1000, and American History X has Edward Norton and Randy Hickey from My Name Is Earl awesome-ing up the place.  Very sad to see him like that; before we even got there, I said "Edward Furlong is the one that I want to meet, cuz I fuckin' like that guy and the movies he's in."  And, he was a colossal disappointment.  What a turd. 

On a side note, I also learned that I can be pretty entertaining myself, but only in a situation where I don't give a fuck if anyone else is entertained.  I do shit that makes ME laugh, and sometimes other people laugh with me.  It only works if I do it for myself though, like this blog... as soon as I try to entertain someone else, it all collapses.  I should learn to market that.  Or not.  Fuck you.



Edward Fucking Furlong......



The Angry Man

Body

How long do you think it should take to learn to work your own body?  I am thirty-fucking-something years old, and I still get sick every damn fall.  And, I know why.  And, I take my medicine like I am supposed to... and it STILL happens.

I spend so much time inside myself.  In fact, almost ALL of my time is spent, withing my body.  That's a lot!  You'd think I'd have a better understanding of how this crotchety, snotty, gangly, slowly rotting thing would work, and would have learned how to prevent some of this shit.  Nope!  Not a bit!  Especially my brain.  I suspect that if I could learn to control just the 8 or so pounds of gristle in my skull, I'd have a much better time of things.  And I KNOW how to do that... I just don't.

It comes back to 'Identify and Resolve'.  If I could robotically perform tasks, day in and day out, then the only problems I would have would be mechanical malfunctions.  Arms stop working, back spasms, balls get tweaked in my pant leg, the occasional hemorrhoid... (Hey, I was only 1 letter off when Googling that one... ad THAT to the amazing list of Things I've Googled Recently).  But, my brain will not let me do that.  It gets BORED.  It likes to invent things.  It likes to muse over past events.  It likes to travel to far off lands, and then come back and say 'Gee, that was fun.  What's next?'

I have a very strong mind, but it is not fast.  It is a good thinker, and it takes a little time to get it going, but once it gets going it is hell getting it to stop.  My mind is like a '67 Monte Carlo... 0-60 in like 11 days, but once it hits Freeway speeds it performs beautifully.  Until you need to hit the offramp, you are FUCKED.  The drive shaft starts rattling, the steering wheel vibrates wildly, the breaks lock the wheels up instantly so you have to pump them even in dry conditions... and if you are lucky, you won't end up in the ditch, or 40 miles past your exit where you needed to be.  That is my mind. 

This is a song that sort of goes with this... Enjoy!



Haven't written anything in a few days, been doing well just busy.  All good stuff this time!



The Angry Man

Bullshit

I do not have a big personality.  Never have, do not expect that I ever will.  The more I am wandering around, getting in to adventures, the more I am finding this to be a serious handicap.  I've mentioned before that I do not say 'How are you?' to anyone, because generally speaking, I don't give a fuck.  To me, it is a waste of words... but I can also concede that it is a social convention, and to NOT do it, is considered stand-offish and rude.

I was in a job interview for an IT position, and it was a Group Interview.  It was the single most awful, sickening, gooey fucking thing I've ever attended.  Just utterly distasteful.  Think about those silly Team Building exercises you may do at work, they may have you color pictures or dress up or decorate your area or any number of silly things that the real reason you participate is that you get to not work for an hour or so.  Now, imagine that, with complete strangers.  Not just total strangers, but an obnoxious crowd from many walks of life, each with an agenda to do well in such an event.

I do the best I can, with my Weird Al looks and my awesome dice tie, but I really had no chance, and no idea that I had no chance when going in to this fucking thing.  After an hour and a half of group activities and bullshit, they sat us in the room and 'deliberated' for another half an hour like it was fucking American Idol, and then they called groups in to the other room.  Once about two thirds of the group had been called out, they told the rest of us "Thanks for coming in, we will not be needing you!"  What the holy fuck just happened?  No one from the company spoke with me a single time, asked me my name, shook my hand, not a damn thing, and now that they have seen me peripherally (also as the tallest guy in the room, and in a bright fucking red shirt) they've decided that 'I'm the weakest link... Goodbye'. 

I had what I thought was a brilliant interview a couple of months ago, for an in-house promotion at my job.  Went perfectly, I was personable, there were coworkers that met me and were recommending me highly to the interviewers, everything went great... and I still didn't get it.  Now, there are probably a thousand reasons why, and I can always try again, but the point is that I didn't leave an impression.  And a good impression is really ALL that matters when it comes to this sort of thing.  Leaving people thinking about you after you've gone. 

I may be entertaining in a small, intimate setting, and I can handle a crowd when all eyes are on me.  But, a situation where I need to bully everyone else away from me to come out on top?  Just not like me, and very distasteful to even think about.  I love games, but I do not enjoy real competition.  No one 'deserves' to win any more than anyone else does.  I am not better than anyone else, nor am I worse than anyone else, as much as I may feel that I am.  I am unable to function well in a setting where I am required to try and beat other people for personal profit.  I can beat you in some Guitar Hero, I'll tell you I'm going to kick your ass in some Madden 64, I'll throw down on some Pokemon and talk all the shit in the world... and if I lose?  So what?  Lets play again!  I'll win next time!  Competition does make the world go 'round, and it keeps prices fair, and makes things work... but I'd much rather sit out, thank you very much.  I can win, but I'd rather not defeat you to do it.



The Angry Man

Scope of Evil

I am watching this thing today about the Jerry Sandusky trial, where they were interviewing the President of the university Graham Spanier.  What I heard about it is that this guy is being investigated, along with Joe Paterno, in being complicit in the Sandusky molestings.  The quote at the end of that link involves the use of the word 'horseplay', in that an incident in 2001 was presented to Spanier as 'horseplay', involving Sandusky and a student in the shower.  Spanier's take on it is that, when presented with that word for that situation, he dismissed it at the time as typical locker room shenanigans.

Whatever your take on the Sandusky thing may be, he was convicted of being a dick, which is excellent.  My concern here is the continued witch-hunt of everybody else at the school who even knew this guy.  I hear shit about the Freeh Report, and his investigation found Paterno may have been looking the other way, and... blah blah the fuck blah, I am not going to recap the whole thing.  It is important that people who covered this shit up take some heat as well, but here is the frightening point I would like to make... the President of the University may be indicted over this, because one of his employees was a douchebag.

Think about the ramifications of that.  Because you were associated with someone who was a criminal fuckwad, you are now pointed out as a potential criminal.  This man Spanier is in his 60's, and he could spend the rest of his life in jail because he knew who Jerry Sandusky was, and employed him.  What kind of demented shit do some of my co-workers do in their spare time that I don't know about?  What kind of shit does my FAMILY do in their spare time, that I don't know about, but I become guilty by association?  How much do you really know someone you work with?  He obviously was diddling high school prospects for 4 decades without raising but a few chance eyebrows, would his colleagues have known he was doing that?  Would his wife?

I called this post 'Scope of Evil', because that was a termed used to describe Sandusky during the report that I was watching.  Now this prick is demonized on par with Adolf Hitler, Sadam Hussein, and Osama Bin Laden.  Did Jerry Sandusky know what he was doing was wrong?  Did he consider it wrong at the time?  When you are doing something, I don't know, like parking in a handicap spot or swatting a Wal Mart greeter on the ass, do you feel 'wrong' for doing it?  I feel bad parking in a handicap spot, because I know 'Its The Law'; but that is the only reason for me.  I am not thinking about the crippled lady in the golf cart that now has to travel 15 extra feet to get in the store... I'm thinking about corn dogs and whiskey for my afternoon bath!  I don't 'feel' evil for not being considerate to the elderly.  Handicapped parking is a social convention that, generally speaking, we have all agreed is a good idea.  Does it make me "evil" by habitually going against social convention?

Adolph Hitler is the epitome of Bond Villains; the standard in which we hold the term Evil in non-fiction society.  Hitler was also an elected official of his party, the National Socialist German Workers Party. Which means, it wasn't Hitlers' ideas and orders that were carried out, but those of the Party that he was a part of.  As in, he had THOUSANDS of supporters, human beings like you and me, that thought his ideas were pretty fucking groovy at the time.  He wasn't the head of some fringe group like the KKK or the Juggalo's, he was nominated and elected amongst his peers (albeit fucked up peers) to be the leader.  The Party seized power, and put Hitler at the top.  Now, knowing all the shit that he did, do you think he felt that he was doing something wrong?  Could anyone go about their day, every single day, saying 'Man, I'm a fucking evil bastard, every thing I do is fucked up, but I'ma keep doing it, cuz fuck it, right?' 

Hitler was in power for around 11 years... Sandusky was apparently poking little boys bums for something like 40.  Does that make him evil?  Is he more evil, because his wrongness went on for 4 times as long?  Did he know he was doing something bad, but kept doing it, over and over again?  Or, did he somehow not realize that what he was doing was considered wrong amongst his peers?  Could he have gone 40+ years being attracted to tiny butts, and just figured that every one else must also like tiny butts?  How could this man have lived this long in modern society, keep doing what he was doing, and not feel bad about it?  Then again, WHY is it considered wrong?

Don't go throwing shit at me, like I am defending a Child Molester, because fuck that guy, seriously.  Fuck Catholic Priests too, and any body else who bullies people in to doing things.  The point here is that, Evil is extraordinarily subjective to the beholder.  We make jokes about priests touching boys, yet it keeps going on and keeps going on, and you wonder how these people continue doing this without seeing SOMETHING that indicates that they are doing something wrong.  Media all over the planet focuses on things like this.  I can see maybe being sheltered, but I certainly can't hide from media stories, as much as I may try.  How do these things continue, with people not knowing that they are hurting someone by their actions?

I think about things that I do in the course of the day; making phone calls, writing a shitty blog, posting on facebook, whatever... and wonder what, if anything, that I might be doing that is WRONG or EVIL, that I don't realize is evil.  Or, what one of my friends or family may be doing that I know, or don't know, about that is also WRONG or EVIL.  This guy Spanier, the rest of his life is already ruined, he's lost his job, his retirement, his reputation, everything;  simply because he KNEW a guy, who did some fucked up shit.  And you think about lesser evils too, such as Enron and Lehman Brothers and Worldcom.  Big, crooked companies that just paid employees, same as the job YOU are currently doing because you are paid to do it.  Were ALL of the employees of Lehman Brothers complicit because they were paid to perform the actions that their employers told them to do, in order to earn a paycheck?  Is it up to the individual employee at that point to determine what is moral and correct?  I like my job quite a bit, and I do think some of the practices are a bit crooked, but I've thought that about every single job I've ever had.  I believe that I work for a good and moral and relatively honest company that genuinely has the good will of its customers in mind.


But what if I'm wrong?



The Angry Man

Identify and Resolve

This was advice I was given today:  Simple, Honest, Direct... and undeniably true.  This is primarily how I deal with any situation given to me, except for a 'taboo' few that I make far more complicated than they should be.  Those few being things that are all 'love' related, primarily my kids and my love life.  (Love Life sounds so fucking lame... who says shit like that?) 

All of life's issues can be addressed by that simple mantra, 'Identify, and Resolve'.  Broke your leg?  Go to the hospital.  Wrecked your car?  Call the police.  Lost a testicle by masturbating with heavy machinery?  Staple the wound shut, and go back to work.  I had an issue this week with my Smart Phone (Hereafter referred to as 'Fucking Smart Phone'), it stopped taking a charge.  I had to wiggle the damned cable to get it to start charging, then when I let go, it would stop and I'd have to fuck with it again.  I realized that I rely on this goddam thing too much... it is my only phone in the house, and it is my alarm clock.  At the time I found out it wouldn't charge at all any longer, it was 4 am on a work night, I had to be up at 6:15, and MAYBE I had a few beers that night.  So, what did I do?  Lost my alarm clock; pull up laptop and open an alarm clock page and set it to 6:15.  Problem solved.  Then, it turns out it is pretty difficult to wake up after 2 hours of sleep from an unexpected binge drink, and I slept through the laptop alarm until 7:50.  Phone was still dead, was due in to work at 8.  What did I do?  Put some pants on, drove 1/2 a mile to mom's house and called the only work phone number I could remember to talk to the boss.  Problem solved again, sure some stress but not an insurmountable situation, just a pain in the ass. 

I am obviously adept at operating in this fashion, and it has proven to me that it is the correct way to do things.  Identify and Resolve.  Why the hell am I crashing every few days then?  Because it takes an incredible amount of strength to behave this way, even with practice.  Because you have to have iron control over your emotions to not let things escape in to insanity.  You have to train yourself to assess any situation, consider possible solutions, and act.  It also takes a certain amount of cold-hearted ruthlessness to maintain this state.  And, I am not a robot, or Sherlock Holmes.  Or Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory.  Or many other terrifyingly driven individuals who can drown all noise and achieve their goals with pin point accuracy. 

Love is one thing that cannot be categorized in an 'Identify and Resolve' manner.  People do not work that way.  I suppose some do, but those are lonely, cold bastards.  I fucking HATE human beings, but to hate them is to love them too... to understand them, to know why they deserve to be hated and loved.  I am a bad person... and I am ok with that.  I am bad because I am a person.  I am not any worse than any other person, and by giving up the idea of love, I give up being a person.  I am a piece of shit, just like EVERYONE else, and there is nothing anyone can do about it!  I am quite satisfied with that.

That said, it is a good place to reside when things do get overwhelming.  Nothing should be overwhelming, not now, not ever.  I have had as many life events as anyone else my age, some better and some worse, and have made it here mostly in tact.  So have Billions of other souls on this earth before me... and most of them didn't have a Fucking Smart Phone to do it with!

Identify... and Resolve.  Done.



The Angry Man

Settling

I appreciate the concept of settling, in the context of 'Never settle for less than you deserve'.  However, I find that this is NOT a statement to live your life by, without first having some reasonable expectations on what you want out of life.  These Olympic ads always tell you to 'Reach for the stars!' and that is all fine and good in some situations, but has no bearing whatsoever on something like relationships.  I know too many people who try to offer this as real advice, and it's complete bullshit; counterproductive to a person trying to get through a tough time, often times just setting them up for future failures.

First of all, how does 'Reach for the stars' apply to people?  Do you think Jennifer Aniston would have anything in common with you, you stupid fuck?  What makes her a better person than anyone else, anywhere?  She's rich, and hot, and those are 2 things that you are most likely not, and VERY important selling points, I might add.

Second, why do you think someone is going to do something for you that you would not do for them?  Be reasonable about your expectations of others... follow the Golden-fucking-Rule, treat others the way you want to be treated.  See yourself in this persons shoes, even for a  minute, especially in any situation in which you do not understand their motivation.  What could be causing this person to act this way?  If it is someone that you are willing to say that you love, then WHY isn't this number one on your Shit-to-do list?  How can you possibly even use the word love if you are unable or unwilling to consider things from their point of view?

This isn't about selling yourself short, or conceding arguments, or giving up your life for another person... this is about understanding.  Understanding is love.  If you take the time to think, "Ok, he is upset, he is telling me that his balls are sticking to the side of his leg and he doesn't know what to do.  Get him some powder, and stop laughing,"  then you will be in that other persons head, just for that short time, and can resolve a problem.  The ONLY expectation you should have in a relationship, is understanding.  Saying anything else is just pure nonsense and self serving bullshit, that will inevitably lead you to more misery.  Saying 'I want a woman who can suck a good dick and slap together a helluva ham sandwich' or 'I want a man that tells the truth and treats me like a lady and lets me spend up all his money' is egotism.  It simply means that you have not taken the time or have the inclination to serve others through understanding.  You are the selfish one, without even considering your partners selfishness.  You have taken that prize.  Your partner can be an A-1 selfish prick, but if you haven't given the energy required to even fathom WHY they are a selfish dick-bag, then you can count yourself in to that same realm and be done with it.

Settling, as a concept, is a lie.  Understanding is what is needed, and it starts with you. Do not 'settle' for someone who does not make an attempt at understanding you, as this is a person incapable of real, honest, love.  How do you get there?  Fuck if I know, I just start with the understanding, and go from there.



The Angry Man

Waiting

I feel like I am spending my days wasting time, waiting for something to happen.  What am I waiting for?  I am enjoying myself, I am spending time with friends and family, I am doing precisely whatever in the fuck I want to do... yet I am not satisfied with it.  Consciously, I am quite happy, I know I am doing things in a good fashion.  But, every few days it seems that the dissatisfaction creeps into my demeanor and sends me off... Why?

I realize one thing today that may be the cause of it.  I am not involved in ANYTHING right now.  I am just going to work and going home and going to bed, and just doing all the routine things that a person has to do to maintain their livelihood.  Work extra hours, pay bills, feed kids, feed self, entertain self with tv, sleep, rinse, repeat.  These things are not bad things in and of themselves.  I will invite friends over for cards or movies or games, and we will do these things and enjoy it... but to me, it still feels like wasting time, waiting for something else to happen.  I am not engaged.

Whenever I was in a relationship, that relationship became what my life was about.  Pleasing that other person, using that person's initiative as my own initiative.  I became lazy.  Well, that's not really true, I AM a lazy mother fucker... but I didn't realize it at the time, and it became who I was.  Now that I am on my own, I find I am struggling to find my own initiative.  I panic.  I am definitely spontaneous (Potato Fuck Vagina Slushie), but I panic because I have no net to catch me if I fail.  I have to be my own net.  You know, like every other grown man on the goddamn planet, you dumb cunt... now go wax your bikini line and stand up for yourself!  HA!

Point here is that, you have to be engaged in something.  Taking time off is excellent... for a short time.  But, if you lose your reason for getting up in the morning... then you stop getting up in the morning.  I have spent the summer cooling my heels, and they are some cool shits now... time to get involved, bitch...



The Angry Man

The Same

This little comic I found recently on the Facebook sort of sums up the previous post.  Happiness is there already, you just have to get out of your own way.  Want in one hand and shit in to the other one, and you tell me which one fills up first.  Perhaps more posting later this week... for today, I think this is enough...


The Angry Man

Craving

Today is about craving.  Many things in your life can be dictated by your craving... this is to be distinguished from your typical desires, in that craving is far more powerful a demon.  Craving is fast.  Craving comes out of nowhere like a Hemi powered riding lawn mower, tearing apart everything in its path, kicking the remnants off to the side without a care, drowning out all other sounds and feelings with its impossible roar.  Craving will drag you down and hold you there... so long as you allow it to do so.

Craving has become the calling card of the marketing world.  Every add everywhere has at its core the intent on sparking your craving for what ever the fuck it is offering.  Much of the time, it has nothing at all to do with what the service is offering, just sparking the CRAVING from within you.  Why do pictures of tits sell beer?  Milk would make sense, or ladies clothing, but beer?  What it does is set the Craving mower in motion, just to get the sucker started, and let it drive.  You will do something once its going.

I know that my craving happiness actually gets right in the way of me being happy.  I want something.  I feel like I am missing something from my life, and it fucks me right up.  Sends me off the fuckin' rails, takes me hours to get my shit right again.  If I let it.  This is one of the hardest things to get under control, because it has been a huge part of my life, and advertising is fucking EVERYWHERE, and it fires up that mower unexpectedly if I am not watching.  Just watching any tv anywhere, fucking Disney Channel, anything... and there will be people telling me I need something, that I am not doing something right, that my life isn't right... or tits.  Nickolodeon has these 'Get up and play!' commercials that come on, that's like "You lazy degenerate, what are you doing watching TV, you should be up spending some quality time with your kids!  By a fucking frisbee!"  And then I am instantly like 'Fuck, David Allen Greer is right!  What am I doing relaxing on my day off, I should be helping someone or fixing something or doing something for someone other than me or doing something FOR me'... and then I'm all fucked up for the next 5 hours and end up accomplishing exactly ZERO.

It is because the craving was allowed to take control.  Those evil ads sparked the craving monster in me, and its not even the ads fault, but my fault for allowing the ads message in to me.  In ancient buddhism, you are supposed to deny all craving to allow yourself enlightenment... but this is near impossible in the modern world.  I would have to shut off all communication with the outside world, completely and utterly, with no further contact.  Advertising is EVERYWHERE, it has infected our society, every single aspect of it, from TV to Radio, to other things like job interviews and just your day to day work, to me even writing this blog.  I'd like for people to read it, I think I've got cool shit to say, but the only way anyone is going to read it is if I advertise it.  The only way I am going to get a job is if I sell myself, and I have to do that every day for my entire career, if I want to advance.  Society IS advertising.  Advertising is about craving.  If A = B, and B = C, than A must equal C; to function in modern society is to bow to your own craving, and manipulate others craving in order to thrive. 




Sometimes a post gets away from you... and sometimes that makes for the best posts.  Other times it makes for a bunch of incoherent gibberish that no one but you understands.  And, on occasion, its the five dollar Vodka doing the writing for you.  Note to self; if you are going to let the drink do the talking, at LEAST allow it to be Cognac.



The Angry Man

Emotions

There is a line to be drawn between 'doing things' and 'wanting to do things' that needs to be seen, and avoided.  Buddhist precepts warn against craving, and I think I understand it better now.  It is one thing to understand something and another thing entirely to put it in to practice.  I want to live a life full of happiness and be carefree... and I can live such a life if I just do it.

Being content is at the core of happiness.  Understanding at your core that you truly do have everything within you from birth to achieve happiness... and just letting yourself be happy.  Don't think about it too much.  Fuck me, that's a big part of my existential problems, is that I think too goddam much.  That said, I cringe when I think about the masses of inconsiderate dick-bags that do very little thinking in the course of their day.

Ignorance is bliss.  It does make lots of things easier to deal with, if I just don't give a fuck about consequences.  On the other side, Ignorance also has a much greater body count than Intelligence, so I suppose I will stay on this side of the fence, at least for awhile yet...



The Angry Man

Writing

Two years or so have passed since I have visited the Angry Man Blog, and its time we came back and got fuckin' busy!  Will it be angry?  Probably.  Will it be retarded?  Most assuredly.  But... lets do it anyway!

So, I've had some ups and downs in this past week, and rather than dig into that bunch of bullshit and sadness, and I'm going to get right into the good thought that I had this week.  Its a doozy, and I don't reckon that many people are going to get it.  But, that's ok, because this site is for ME, not for them.  So... FUCK 'EM!

I have got lots of friends from many different walks of life.  I don't know a single Jew, at least I don't think so, but at any rate, it is many folks from many walks, and here is what I notice about them.  Happiness.  Or rather, the search for Happiness and the lengths that people go to reach it.  Is it real?  Is it fake?  Who the fuck knows, but it is all a matter of perception.  Eye of the beholder (or Beer-holder).  Whatever it is, to you, that keeps you smiling, keeps you cheerful, you will do.  This is unique to each of us, and infinitely malleable, but always present.

Now, the thing to understand about perception is that; it's a lie.  Perception is about how things look 'to you', NOT, how things actually are.  How things actually are, however, has nothing whatsoever to do with happiness.  We all lie to ourselves every single day, in order to maintain the fiction that is happiness. 

Lies are typically seen as negative things, but is the lie of Perception a bad thing?  Nah, its great!  Its a basic understanding of human nature!  It is the very core of what keeps us going, is the illusion of being happy.  I am certainly not interested in destroying anyone's happiness, but rather, making more of my own.  Understanding about myself enough to continue what makes me feel happy, and even fascilitation others' fiction for their own enjoyment.

Which brings me to my thought this week:  God is a lie.  The concept of God is a tremendous lie created millenia ago, with the primary goal of giving people hope.  Hope for a better tomorrow.  Hope that the pain of today will pass.  Hope that all of your fears and misgivings and traumas can be resolved, and that things in life are OK. 

Does that make it a bad lie?  Absolutely not.  God is the BEST lie.  God is the lie that was put there with the best intentions, to make people happy and to love each other.  When people say 'God is Love', there is nothing truer in the world... God is the lie you tell your children because you love them so much, you want them to be happy and not haunted by fears and doubt.  God is the lie that funeral director and Clergy men have used for generations upon generations to make us feel better about dying and sickness and losing our loved ones. 

It does create a bit of sadness for me that I can no longer believe in that lie, which I suppose is where the phrase 'Ignorance is Bliss' comes from.  I envy the people who can still believe.




SO, I'm back on here, and I'm going to write a little bit each day... I find that I do have many MANY good thoughts in the course of a day, and I owe it to myself... nay, I owe it to HUMANITY... to record these thoughts in some tangible way.  This I will do, and perhaps it will give future generations some insight into my descent into madness.



Ladyfingers....... they taste just like Ladyfingers........



TheAngryMan