Offense - Halloween

This is not a post in the normal theme of things here, but it is just some funny shit that happened to me today that I want to write about.

For Halloween this year, I was approached with the idea of doing the Dukes of Hazard... by this tiny Asian girl who wanted to dress up as Uncle Jesse, with me as Daisy Duke. Now, for those of you not familiar with me, I'm about 6'4" and run something in the neighborhood of 230 pounds... so, OF COURSE I wanted to dress up as Daisy Duke in front of people at work!

SO... I go shopping at thrift stores looking for shoes and odds and ends to make this outfit look right, and do a bunch of preparation in advance. Things are going so smoothly, I start getting nervous as the day approaches... but, I've already cleared it with management, I've got an Uncle Jesse, Bo, Luke and even Cooter all lined up, waiting on me to go, so I can't back down, and I wouldn't anyway, it just isn't like me to quit something once I've started. So, I show up at work today with the outfit on, but under some pajama pants and my trench coat... just looking fairly regular, but with my boobs and shoes in my lunch bag, which is where the story turns into a Seinfeld episode... The 'show' starts at 11 o'clock; I head to the men's room at 10 'till to get ready.

I already said I was a little nervous, right? Stage Fright is probably more accurate, but that's how it was. I go into the stall on the end, lock the door and sit my bag down. I take the pj bottom's off, where I have regular jean shorts on underneath, and I kick off my shoes. I have to pee, so I go ahead and pull 'mini-me' and commence the urination. Now... have you ever heard the saying "No matter how much you shake and dance, the last two drops go in your pants?" Well, let me tell you, as a man who has been pissing on his own for at least the last 10 years, I can tell you with certainty that that shit is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I zip up, and look down, and lo and behold there is a small, dark stain spreading on the crotch of my light blue jeans. Now, keep in mind, I'm dressing as Daisy Duke... so, the only visible portion OF these shorts is CROTCH.

"FUCK!" I say, with aplomb. "Of ALL the fucking days to spring a leak..." and I start scrubbing at it with toilet paper, which actually just spreads it around more. I roll the shorts up further, which covers some of it, but uncovers more disgusting hairy leg. I said "Fuck it," thinking I still have 10 minutes until show time and it will dry by then, and I start tying my undershirt in a knot to act as a sports bra for my 'boobs', which are actually 5 rolled up socks each. I grab the giant sock balls from out of the lunch bag, thinking I can get both at the same time with one hand... which, it turns out, I couldn't.

SPLASH!! One of my sock piles flopped right into the toilet. Which is still filled with pee.

"GOD DAMMIT!" I whisper-shout, and fish the pee-soaked bundle out of the crapper. Aside from smelling like piss, it is now totally useless to me as a breast. "What the fuck am I gonna do now?" I say to myself. Only 5 minutes left until the show, people are counting on me, people have been asking me for WEEKS what I was going to be, and I didn't tell ANYONE but the people in the group, built up all this pressure... and now, I only had one available tit. (As an afterthought, I think 'Breast Cancer Awareness month' is this month, maybe last month, I could have rolled with it... yeah, ok, that shit would not have flown.)

At this point, I admit, I was panicking a little bit. All this time spent, all the worry... it was supposed to be GREAT; and now here I was, stuck in a stall, with no costume, cursed by my own pee, and the foul penis that voided it... But, then a thought occurred to me... aside from the 5 wet socks, I had another ball of non-wet socks in my hand... AND 2 fresh socks that I had just pulled from my feet. That's 7 socks! A man who can't make a pair of breasts out of 7 socks shouldn't call himself a man at all!

So I frantically unravel the ball of socks (Ok, to be truthful, the first thing I did was flush) and separate them into two piles, to make 2 new 3-sock balls. These I stuffed into my sports-bra t-shirt to create some modest B cups... and the last sock went down the front of my pants to assist in the drying process. With only a minute to spare, I wrapped the pee-soaked bundle in the pajama pants, and shoved it all into my lunch bag. (No Lunch was harmed in the filming of this episode) Then, I slid on my shoes (Which matched my blouse perfectly, thank you very much!), set the lunch bag on the counter, and marched confidently out of the men's room.


I even scored a rose! The best comment I received was from the guy dressed as a rotting zombie... he said "Jeez, and I thought I would be dressed in the scariest costume!" HA! The moral of the story goes like this:

T-shirt = $6.99 for six
Shorty-shorts = $19.99
6 pairs of socks = $5.99
Losing a sock breast in a puddle of urine, and using your remaining socks to mop up your pee to continue your masquerade as a woman... PRICELESS!!

The Angry (Sexy) Man

Offense - Religion pt. 1

Of anything I've written so far, this is the subject most likely to piss people off... why is that? I've been talking to people and researching it for awhile, and its time to get some of this out of my head. I titled it 'part 1' because it is such a HUGE subject, I'm going to have to tackle it in bite sized chunks.

Religion and Politics are two areas that many people are just unwilling to discuss intelligently. Yet, these are two items that effect human life every minute of every day. Don't believe me? How about when you drove over that pot hole this morning, and said "God Damn It!" Or, when you roll your eyes to heaven when listening to any fucking thing Rush Limbaugh says? Or, that marriage is a state sponsored institution regulating your 'holy matrimony'? (Except for the homosexuals, who are apparently not allowed to exist in either arena.) There you go... several examples of both politics AND religion at the same time.

In just ONE paragraph, I have managed to offend the Christians, the Republicans AND the gays... (ok, maybe not gay people; what I said is true, in marriage, you guys truly get the shaft. HA. Ok, NOW I've offended gay people...) Why is it, that I cannot go into a work place, or a public setting at all, and say something as simple as "I don't believe in god?" BUT, I can certainly shout 'Hallelujah' and 'Amen' at any time at all, because these things are considered 'acceptable'. Why is it ok to be O-fended by my disbelief, when spoken quietly, without fervor... yet, its NOT ok to be irritated by being blessed when you sneeze? How fucking stupid is that? Shouldn't GOD have better things to bless than my snot? Why stop there? Bless me when I fart, piss, spit... any bodily fluid oozing out of me should be worthy of 'HIS' holiness...

Another thing that bothers me about both subjects... At work, it is OK to have a picture of a cross, displaying your religious allegiance... yet it is NOT ok to have a picture of the president. Both could be cause for 'workplace disturbances'. There have been people walked out of the building at my office for their political displays, because it was somehow O-fensive to someone. However, Religion is the leading cause of death the world over... Oh, your doctor will tell you some shit about heart disease or cancer, but believe me, too much religion will kill you fast. Its been killing people non stop since it started millennia ago, and there is no cure.

And the bitch of it? It kills perfectly healthy people! Not just healthy people, but young, strong people... people who could accomplish real good with their lives, yet they have been made to believe that throwing away the only life they are going to get is somehow worthy of praise from an invisible man in the clouds. I'm sorry, but that is fucking retarded. Why spend your life guiding yourself by a strict set of asinine rules so that you will be happy when you are dead? What's wrong with being happy now? Be a good person, because it FEELS GOOD to be a good person! Not because you are afraid of the consequences after you die!! I cannot believe that religion was originally designed to make people feel bad about themselves, and want to die... I think I'll do 'religious design' next time around, I've got some good shit to say about that...

I've talked about being a Buddhist at some point in this column, and in a loose way, that's true. I've chosen a religion that works for me, and I follow as much of it that makes sense to me. AND, I still think I'm a good person, which is what matters... Buddhism suggests not drinking alcohol because it is a toxin, and destructive to your body, which I believe to be true. I also believe that I'll have another beer...

The Angry Man

Offense - Brothers

Its been couple of weeks since I've been on here, and I don't really have anything earth shaking to say. Is it because I've lost my edge? FUUUUCK that, I'm still goddam pissed off about shit, just not focused on one thing. So, I'm sittin' here, sippin' on the 'Champagne of Beers', and I start wondering... why in the fuck do I drink Miller High Life? It sucks! I mean, if it LOOKS like pee, and it tastes like pee, and it SMELLS like pee... what do you think it is???

SO, I realize the fact that the reason that I regularly drink iced urine, is because of my older brother. He lives out in North Carolina, and he's a coooool motherfucker... like, just about my favorite person to be around... But, it certainly wasn't always that way... and that's what I'm going to bitch about tonight; Brothers.

Brothers do some hateful shit to one another when they are kids... I look at my 2 boys and try to imagine what goes on behind closed doors. (Its a mystery how my youngest says things like "Fucking Bullshit" and "Douche-bag", while the oldest refuses to say anything like that, yet laughs his ASS off when the younger says it... hmmmm)

I had what I would consider a pretty regular childhood... you may not think so if you've read ANY of my other posts, but I really don't have anything to be angry about in regards to my upbringing. My parents split up when I was one, and I lived with my Mom and my older brother... Dad was around, he didn't run off or anything, just wasn't married to Mom anymore, which to me, was perfectly OK. Shit, I got 2 Christmas's and 2 Birthdays EVERY YEAR, so it was a great set up for me! But, the point to the back story is that Mom worked 2ND shift and was largely on her own, so me and my brother had to hang out a lot.

Let me just go through a short oratory of what he did to me over the years. Put a 3 piece wad of chewed gum in my hair while i was sleeping, so it had to be cut out. Melted my GI Joe figures on a light bulb. Told me if I didn't stop sucking my thumb, it would mutate into an elephant trunk. (OK, that one DID break the habit... but it scared the holy shit out of me for like 5 years). Glued my pillows together. Picked things out of his ass, then sat on me to wipe them on my face. Remember the game where you make a hand gesture, and someone inadvertently looks at it, and you get to punch them? He was the all high champion of that game... he punched me SOOO much, my only defense was to shriek at the top of my lungs whenever he approached me, so he would get in trouble. But, that stopped working after awhile, because, as it turns out, the girly shriek was SO annoying Mom started smacking ME to get me to quit... and of course, Older Brother capitalized on that, letting me endure Mom's wrath often. My name at the time was either Stupid or Pussy, because he called me each so often.

But, its not ALL bad either... I got my revenge in many ways... I ripped a tooth out of his mouth by yanking on an inner-tube he was blowing up. I peed in his hair in the bathtub. I got him slugged many times by both mom and dad when I would scream. There is a story that we like to tell my mom, that she SWEARS never happened, but me and Bro were both there...

Mom was bent over in the hallway at our house, loading groceries into the closet. My mother, whom will tell you herself, has a BIG booty. She's 53 now, and doesn't give a FUCK, but she's always had it. My brother was 14 or so at the time, skinny but tall. So, she's bent over in the hallway, and my brother tries to squeeze past her to his room. He says "Jeez, you're fat!"

I'm going to pause the story here for dramatic effect. Feel free to say "Oooooohhh".

I've already noted that my mom was loading groceries into the closet at that time. What she did was purely reactionary, and she doesn't remember doing it to this day, even though we remind her every time we get together. She turned, and belted her skinny son in the chest with a full jar of Mayonnaise. WOP!! Knocked him totally flat, right there in the hall, while she stormed off to her bed room. I'm like 9, and I see my big bro laying on the ground gasping for breath, and I do what is natural to 9 year old boys across the globe... I giggle uncontrollably. HEE HEE!! He finally got his! WOO!

He wasn't seriously hurt, no hospital or anything... and we laugh about it today. Mom didn't abuse us at all, but she did whup our asses when we did bad shit, and we deserved it. My kids? I make sure to beat them in equal proportions, not too much for either. They are 5 years apart, just like me and my older brother, so I KNOW what kind of antics they can get up to. When one screams, I just pull belt and swing for the fences on both of them, no explanations necessary, just STOP whatever the fuck you guys are doing!!

SO... if any of my readers have stories along these lines, I would LOVE to hear them! Even sisters; They do fucked up things to each other too. We had a step sister, Roseanne, whom we lovingly called Gross-Butt. Actually, we developed a full name for her: Grotesquely Deformed and Maggot Infested Anal Rot. And, we called her that. To her face. GOD, we were some fucked up kids...

Later

The Angry Man