Offense - Thanks

I haven't posted anything in a week or so, so I think its time to empty out the old bean again. A friend of mine did a post about the 75 random things she is thankful for, and that got me thinking "Shit, IS there 75 things I am thankful for?" I don't know that I'll hit 75, but there really is a fuck-ton of things, especially this year, for me to appreciate. So, here it goes, in no particular order...

1. Finally having the strength to end my poisonous marriage. This gets to be the number 1 item, as it stands as the crux of most of the other things on this list. I've said some rotten shit on here out of anger, but it comes down to the same thing: It is truly better for all parties involved that her and I not co-exist any longer.

2. Harley. Harley the basset hound is my fucking DUDE. Yeah, he pisses on the carpet, shits on my porch, and I'm slightly allergic to him... BUT, when my oldest boy puked down the side of my bed, Harley was on the job, licking that shit right up! That's love right there... If I could find a woman that would do that... OK, that'd be fucking disgusting, so I'll leave that thought there, but it is fucking cool of the dog to help out.

3. Work. I've got a job that I don't hate going to, and it pays reasonably well for what amounts to unskilled labor.

4. Friends. I have easily 3 times as many friends this year then I had last year. People who genuinely care about me, and people that I am finally allowed to care for... That's just not enough to say about how much I care about my friends, so I'm going to break this one down further

5. Work Friends. Lori, Angie, Angel, Toni, Lisa, Chuck, Oscar... Lunch buddies, to walking buddies, to party buddies, to concert buddies... I've never... NEVER... had close friends from work. Now I have LOTS. I'll even have to mention Murphy, Sue, Laura, Emily, Dupakoski... If I've forgotten anyone, I'm sure I'll hear about it at work Monday. Either way, I love that place...

6. School Friends. Lee, Tim, Marie... and Angela. Angela gets the honorable mention, as we don't really talk anymore, but it was her that I went through almost every class with, and her strength that I borrowed to get through it all. Thanks, Ang! I sincerely hope you find what you are looking for out in California...

7. Old Friends. Jar and Jason. The only two friends I still have from high school... I was there for them during their divorces, and they have been there for me for mine. Jason always tells me when I'm being a stupid bastard. Jar always laughs. Thanks, fellas...

8. New Friends. Ray and Carol, Tia... and Tori. Ray and Carol are my new neighbors... Ray is this REALLY OLD veteran who tells the most awful nigger jokes, while his wife just rolls her eyes. Tia gets a mention only because she is probably the most active Facebook friend, who also doesn't play any of the FB games. Always got something to say, love talking to her. And Tori. Tori is the female version of myself, whom I met on Craigslist, of all places. We are going through the same things right now, and it is a huge comfort to have someone to talk to about it.

9. Un-related relatives. Shaun, Big, Little, and Porky. Shaun is my ex-brother-in-law, and was really my only friend for years during the marriage. Big, Little and Porky are my ex-wife's Uncle, Cousin, and Aunt... and they don't give a fuck if we are getting a divorce or not, they all like me and invite me over all the time, which is nice to still have some normalcy in all of this.

10. Not being gay. I look through the list of friends and see that about 75% are women. Doesn't that make me a gay man? Or does it make me a pimp? Women are AWESOME because you can TALK to them about stuff. Guys are great because you don't HAVE to talk to them about stuff... But, women win because of the vagina's. Sorry, guys! You just cannot trump that card...

11. Health. I'm generally a pretty sickly guy... get sniffles or cold or sore throat about 4 times a year... except this year. I have been in my apartment since June, and haven't had a drip of snot yet. Hangovers, on the other hand...

12. Family. Mom, Dad, Kids, Brothers, Cousins... all love me in different, necessary ways. My official family is pretty large, but to me, very distant. Mom has always been there, always the same. Richard is in NC, and his role has always been to punch me, one way or the other. Dad and I historically haven't had much of a relationship, good or bad, until the last few years. We get along great now, and its like having a new buddy to hang out with, rather than a 'Father' who must be respected and bowed to. My kids are nuts, but I think they rather like me. Maren is one of many cousins, but the ONLY extended family member that I have a relationship with, and she is the first English teacher in my growing collection. She also has a way of punching me when I'm being stupid. I have 3 younger half-brothers, who are all great boys (young men, now) but I didn't grow up with them, so its hard to have a real 'brother' bond.

13. Music. Goddamn I love music.

14. Freedom. I am finally able to make decisions for myself. I don't have the least fucking clue about what I'm doing in life, but that's OK! Turns out, I have a pretty good success rate on my ventures when I just think about the problem, and propose a solution. Many times it is not the solution people expected, but that is also OK. I do SOOO much better in life when I do NOT try to please other people with what I do. Just doing things, and not worrying about the conventions, is working out pretty well, if I may say so. OK, so I'll never get promoted at work because of it, Fuck them!! I also like the fact that, while I was invited to 3 Thanksgiving tables this past week, I had the freedom to choose to not go to any of them. As it turns out, I had a great Thanksgiving as well!

I think that about raps it up... no where near 75, but its all good. I'm pretty lucky, and I'm pretty happy right now... what more can anyone really ask for out of life? And, since I don't have any anger in this post, I'll end it with some lines from an Insane Clown Posse song, called 'Fuck the World'...

Fuck you, fuck me, fuck us
Fuck Tom, fuck Mary, fuck Gus
Fuck Darius
Fuck the west coast, and fuck everybody on the east
Eat shit and die, or fuck off at least
Fuck pre-schoolers, fuck rulers
Kings and Queens and gold jewelers
Fuck wine coolers
Fuck chickens, fuck ducks
Everybody in your crew sucks, punk mother fucks
Fuck critics, fuck your review
Even if you like me, fuck you
Fuck your mom, fuck your mom's momma
Fuck the Beastie Boys and the Dali Llama

Yeah...

The Angry Man

Offense - Law

This is about some shit that happened to a friend of mine last week that just frosts my buns. He was a passenger in a car, and was given an $80 seat belt ticket when the vehicle was pulled over.

I have a serious problem with that. He is an adult, and was riding out to a job site for work, and forgot to strap himself into the vehicle. The state has been given the right to monitor our private activities to the point of levying fines for behavior potentially unsafe to OURSELVES. What in the fuck is THAT about? Why hasn't there been an outcry of huge proportions over this? People are so god damned worried about losing their freedoms in the form of public health care, yet are perfectly willing to allow this utterly moronic injustice to pass.

Look, I don't have a problem with seat belts. I understand the function of them, and that they may save my life in car accident. I understand that it is important for my children's safety to have them fastened into the vehicle. I do not think it is fair that the government gains revenue by fining its citizens for not following these warnings. Cigarettes come with a warning label for pregnant women. Alcohol and beer have the same warning. Are pregnant women fined for drinking and smoking? Absolutely not. Its the woman's body, and her fetus to damage, so lets just let her go!

I think the same thing about helmets. I get hassled for not putting a helmet on my 8 year old when I was teaching him to ride a bike. He is LEARNING to ride it... meaning he is not going to go careening down a cliff face, jumping over fallen logs and attempting back flips. No, he is in fact going to plod along at barely walking speed with me right behind him in case he falls. An officer is obligated to ticket ME, were he to see MY child riding a bicycle without a helmet and pads. Law does not replace parenting, and I will make the decision concerning protective gear for my children, thank you very much. (Now go track down one of those crack smoking pregnant women, officer, and leave me the fuck alone!)

If I owned a motorcycle, I would wear a helmet. Dumping a motorcycle is much more common, and much more deadly, than wrecking a car. It makes sense to wear one while travelling at excessive speeds. But to make a law DEMANDING that I wear one? That's like making a law fining me for not wearing a condom. Sure, its a good idea, but they are just so danged uncomfortable that I usually don't wear it, unless someone asks me to. I guess the only difference is one protects against death, while the other protects against life.

Think about that next time you are bitching about Obama bowing to a foreign emperor. We've got a LOT bigger problems than him shaking hands in another language...

Give me a fucking break

The Angry Man

Offense - Scars

Every Lasting Scar - Hatebreed

Most seek for a deeper
Meaning
Beyond their daily woes
Most see nothing more then
Black clouds it’s all that
They know

We become our scars
If we let them
But all that we truly need
Is out there for the taking

We scream every word
It’s brought us together
Every lasting scar
Reminds us how we got here
We scream every word
It s brought us together
Every lasting scar
Shows what it’s taken to
Be who we are

Some dwell into emptiness
The hurt they claim is real
Been let down
Now it’s meaningless
They find ways to conceal

Never to be seen again
Until it’s all too late
And if we don’t learn
From it all
We'll repeat the same mistakes

We become our scars
If we let them but all that we truly need
Is out there for the taking

Great song. What it says to me is that we've all got scars in our lives from past pains that make up who we are today; but, do not let those scars DEFINE who you are today. Don't dwell on the fact that you ARE scarred, but learn from the hurts you've received.

What brought this up was a story I saw on the news the other morning. What I was doing watching the news at 630 in the morning is beyond me, but there I was, chilling, watching Katie Couric walk down a hospital hallway chatting with a woman who had had both her hands and face eaten by a chimpanzee. I'm going to say that again. She had BOTH OF HER HANDS AND HER FACE EATEN BY A CHIMPANZEE.

And lived. And is happy to be alive. And is still friends with her negligent ass-clown of a boss who IGNORED her repeated requests to get rid of the monkey.

Being the twisted fuck that I am, I thought about that for a minute. Losing a hand is one thing... No more Guitar Hero, no more shooting rubber bands at your co-workers, no more slapping five after goosing a waitress... It's a lot more common than you might think. I imagine most people have met someone who has lost a hand or some fingers, and is living almost totally unaffected. But to lose your face?! According to the report, she suffered the "loss of her nose, upper and lower lips, eyelids and the bony structures in her mid-face". I don't know about other people, but I USE my face quite a bit! Most days, actually! What life could this woman possible have after that? She doesn't even have fingers left to scratch her nose that ISN'T FUCKING THERE anymore!

Here is the best part... all she has to say about it is "I'm the same person I've always been. I just look different. There's things that happen in life that you can't change it. You know, it's a tragedy." She can't even cry about it because they REMOVED HER EYEBALLS just last month. And even after that... she just shrugs her shoulders and says life goes on.

My last word on it is this: We only get one life, but we all get the same amount of death. Keep it going as long as you can.

The Angry Man

Offense - Dreams

I had a fucked up dream last night. I dreamt that my dad hooked up with some psycho bitch, and for some reason she hated me, and was threatening to take my kids away from me. My dad never actually made an appearance in the dream, but the psycho bitch was played by the mom from Two and a half Men. She was telling me that I didn't deserve them and couldn't take care of them myself; that she was going to fight for custody of them.

This makes me think about dreams in general. I've said it before over the years, and I'll say it again here: I never ONCE had a dream with Mary in it. Not any that I remember... no sex dreams, no dreams of being eaten by the 50 foot woman, not a single one. EVER. Her and I used to talk about that... she had dreams with me in them all the time. What does THAT imply about my current situation?

I'm pretty good at psycho-analysing myself; I know what this recent dream represents. It represents my deep seeded fear of failure. Thinking about it further, it makes me wonder where this fear came from in my life. Was it my older brother punching me all the time? Was it my mom working late and relying on me to take care of myself too much? Or, was it the fact that I've spent the last 10 years being ridiculed and put down for anything I tried to do?

I'm pretty good about remembering my dreams... Most of them have the same theme, me trying to do something and, no matter how hard I try, I'm totally ineffectual. Like the one where I'm in a fist fight with Chas Adams, a kid from high school (who really was the nicest guy... i didn't know him personally, nor would I have ever had a reason to be in a fight with him. He wasn't a jock, he wasn't a jerk, I cannot think of ANY reason at all I would have fought that guy). I can hear his voice clearly, laughing and taunting me... I swing and hit him in the face, and he doesn't even flinch at all, just keeps laughing.

I remember dreams where I'm running... running my ass off, yet barely moving. Trying to get away from a killer, or trying to save someone from falling. I've had other fight dreams, one where I was a pirate sword-fighting over a bridge, and being knocked off, to fall to my death, failing to save the girl. I remember a dream where I'm trick or treating, yet I'm too late to get any candy; every house I go to is already closed up. All different variations of the same underlying theme... failure.

The good thing is, that I recognize what these dreams are telling me... the BAD thing is, I don't know what the fuck to do about it! I KNOW that this complex affects my everyday life... that I'm not willing to take chances, that I second guess myself constantly, that I am genuinely afraid for my boys, afraid of hurting them, or forgetting on of them at the grocery store, forgetting to give them medicine. I know in my fore-brain that it is a stupid way to be... no one accomplishes anything if they let the fear of failing stop them from trying. But, subconsciously, this fear is still with me... even up to last night.

Graduating from ITT is the first thing that I've set out to do, and actually completed. Yeah, I graduated high school, but I didn't really have a choice in that. Yes, I managed to father two kids, but as they say "Any dick can be a father, but it takes a man to be a daddy," and that isn't a job with an ending. Sure I got married, but that again wasn't something I had a great deal of choice in. Getting this divorce will be the second thing I've ever set out to do and completed. Oh yes, it will be done... and maybe I'll just have to go from there. Making goals and meeting them. One at a time, until I've got enough successes under my belt to squash any future fears.

On a final note, I remember a dream where I'm at my grandmothers house... for some reason she has a washing machine in her living room, and its cursed... if you were to fall into the washing machine and remain for too long, you will die. I fell in it, but climbed out quickly, and was unhurt. However, I was unable to save my sister Tee-la (from He-Man) from falling into it. Consequently, her skin turned green and her head fell off. I then tied her severed head to the ceiling with a string and was able to still talk to her because that somehow kept her alive.

I'm one FUCKED up dude.

The Angry Man

Offense - One

I have changed.
Nearly everything about me has changed in the past two years.
Everyone that I know has seen that change.
Everyone I know has told me that it is an improvement.
Except for one.
FUCK that one.

That one has spent years making everyone around her feel as bad about themselves as she does.
That one does not understand the concept of personal joy.
That one does not love others, as she does not love herself.
That one only knows greed.
That one only knows hate.
FUCK that one.

That one does not appreciate my new life, as she never appreciated me.
That one cannot understand closeness and sharing.
That one makes me feel inadequate.
That one makes me feel powerless.
That one makes me feel like dying.
FUCK that one.

That one no longer has any power over me.
That one cannot defeat my resolve.
That one is not my master.
FUCK that one.

An old friend of mine told me "I was waiting for this to happen. I could see the beast behind your eyes." He knew I was drowning myself in hate, that I was going to explode. I have spent too long of my all too short life wallowing in self hate. I will not go back. That one insists that I've found someone else. Yes, I have found someone else... ME. I have discovered that there is an amazing human being inside this body you've been abusing for the last decade. There is someone here who has been sacrificing himself for YOUR happiness. There is a person here who has seen a taste of who he could become. That person has finally decided to live.

Fuck you, Mary.

The Angry Man

Offense - Music

I feel like writing tonight, but no one has pissed me off in a few days. What does an angry brother write about then?

I've been listening to a SHITLOAD of different music lately. How, you may ask, does music fit into a blog titled 'Offense'? Fuck if I know... But, I do know that my music O-fends people. Brittany Spears O-fends me. Her personal life sucks, how can i respect her artistically? Same with Michael Jackson... he was a BEAST back in the day... No one could fuck with MJ. Until he started fucking kids... HA! Ok, that was never PROVEN... but the very fact that the accusation was brought forth on several occasions over a 15 year period...

Where was I? Oh, right, music. I fucking LOVE music. ALL music. This year alone, I have been to Comm fest (Folk music, Jazz), seen the Drowsy Lads ( Irish Jig), went to the 'Music is a weapon' tour with Disturbed and Lacuna Coil (Alternative Rock), saw Mushroomhead twice (Death Metal), and saw Matt Monta and the Hot Coal Band (Bob Dylan-esque blues). Loved every bit of it. I've got tickets now to see Throwdown in December.

Music is a mind eraser. Lots of people drink or smoke to forget their problems. I listen to music. Let the music grab you by the ass and take you where it wants to. My favorite music would have to be Thrash Metal. Lyrics are one thing... very few metal bands have words that you can even understand, let alone vibe to. One of my favorite songs in the world is by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (You don't know how it feels), but it doesn't come close to inciting the emotion that Hatebreed does in me. Let me quote some of their lyrics, and you'll see...

Destroy Everything

Destroy everything! Destroy everything! Destroy everything!
Obliterate what makes us weak!
End this to embrace new life!
Even an empty threat deserves a response you won't soon forget!
I must destroy everything that tries to infect

A Call For Blood

Ten long fucking years
I waited to erase all the memories
And you can't fucking stop me
My vengeance is finally born
A call for blood for what you've done
No tolerance for what you've done

Defeatist

Defeatist, you and I will never be the same!
I've taken this vow of hatred, TAKE THE VOW
A promise to myself to never be my own defeatist
This is my hatred, this is my vow
Never to be broken

Cause you HATE yourself
And you HATE this world
And you HATE the fact
That you HATE every moment

Defeatist, you and I will never be the same!

Smash Your Enemies

Will I make through my time in living hell?
Do I possess the strength to smash my fears into the ground?
I've tried to be strong
I've tried to overcome but I don't think I possess the strength to carry on
I'm torn between, and there's no right choice
I've gotta fight back
I won't be scarred for life.

Now, imagine the most beatdownest, angriest, toughest, stomping ass guitar riffs playing behind these lyrics... and you'll know why I love this shit.

ROCK

The Angry Man

Offense - Death

Good evening, depraved reader! I should post more than I do, but I try not to just post any old crap on here, and save my ramblings when I have something interesting to say. Which means, usually, RESEARCH. Which is hard. Other times, its an interesting story that has happened to me. Today, I'm going to delve into the world of philosophy, which is really my area of expertise (which suggests that I'm actually GOOD at anything!) and it also involves something I learned this weekend that got me thinking. As always, if the words 'Fuck', 'Shit', 'Asshole', 'Dingle berry' or anything else O-fends you... well, grow the fuck up, its just words. You've been warned...

I received some information this weekend that disturbed me. I'm not going to get into the details of the 'Who', because it was told to me in confidence, and the 'who' isn't really important, but the 'what'. A friend of mine was diagnosed with Cancer this week... but he doesn't know it. His wife told me, and that the doctor intentionally didn't tell him for stress reasons.

That sucks. But, as I said, its not the point here. Death is a part of life; we all know that, and must accept the reality of it. Now, it doesn't do any good to brood about it all the time either... thinking about death is time spent not thinking about life, so do it sparingly. But, what do you do when someone tells you your spouse is going to die? How do you handle it, when you cannot even TELL him or her?

I have strange ideas on what a 'spouse' is supposed to be. I don't even like the word 'spouse'; it so cold and queer sounding. For that matter, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, significant other... NONE of those words are adequate to describe what your 'spouse' is to you. Think about your 'vows'; you know, those coldly generic phrases you spit out to keep with the custom so you look good in front your your friends and family, all while keeping in line with what the state wants you to do. "To have, and to hold, till DEATH do us part".

This is not a treatise on how ignorant human beings are in regards to marriage. Lets take for granted that you actually meant that vow... and now its upon you. Imagine knowing that you only have ONE more year with this person. Then they will be gone. Not just moved away, but really gone from life entirely.

I've mentioned Jacob before, my friend whom I worked with that killed himself. I've had lots of friends at many different jobs... and at jobs, people quit or are fired, and you really never see them again. At first, that's how I tried to think about Jacob... that he had quit. But, it wasn't the same, because I KNEW he was dead. Another co-worker passed away about a month ago, Mary. She was about 60 and in poor health; she had the squad called into the office on more than one occasion in the past year. I tried thinking the same way about her... but, I was TOTALLY freaked out a couple of weeks ago, when I thought I saw her sitting at a desk talking to someone. (OK, it was toward the end of a 17 hour shift... still freaky!) What that illustrates is how much these people affected my mind... and they are just co-workers, not LIFE-PARTNERS. The people you work with are really closer to you than you might think.

Think about the things you do during the course of the year... Birthdays, Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Cookouts, Baseball games, concerts... things that you plan in a year with your family. As humans, we tend to do the same things each year with little to no variation... until something changes. Now, you've just been given the news that, in a year, your happy little life is going to be destroyed. Not ended... that would be easier... just fucking wrecked.

I'm pretty OK with the idea of my own death. Not that I'm looking forward to it or anything... but, really, if I died? What in the fuck would I care about anything? Sure, I can worry about my kids or my family... but, I'm more concerned about someone else dying than me. What is going to happen with MY life, if someone close to me dies? If I die... that's it. Nothing. As much as we like the idea of 'heaven' or life-after-death, that just isn't true. Forget the concept of 'Looking down on your family from heaven to hear what they say about you at your funeral." This is the juvenile idea that causes a lot of depressed people to commit suicide. When you are dead, you are dead. You aren't special. There have been billions of other human deaths prior to yours.

Having a parent die is something altogether different, at least for adults. Your mom and dad are not (or shouldn't be) people that you live with and see daily. At a certain age, you gain your own life which no longer has much to do with the people who raised you. Your parents (normally) are their to guide you through life, but it is also an understood part of life that your elders will pass on, and you will become the elder. I can't imagine a situation where a child dies, though I have seen it happen.

SO. Why do I think about shit like this? Am I just a sick fuck, fascinated with death? Or, do I just think about any and everything, because I'm 'nucking futs'? I do it, because it is important. I also know it is important not to dwell for any length of time on this type of thing. Don't spend a lot of time thinking about the 'what-ifs'... think about life. Think about today. Think about what you can do to get as much happiness out of life as you possibly can. Let a sick, douche-bag, asshole like me think about this sort of thing, and maybe keep you in perspective.

Or not. What the fuck ever...

The Angry Man