This is not a post in the normal theme of things here, but it is just some funny shit that happened to me today that I want to write about.
For Halloween this year, I was approached with the idea of doing the Dukes of Hazard... by this tiny Asian girl who wanted to dress up as Uncle Jesse, with me as Daisy Duke. Now, for those of you not familiar with me, I'm about 6'4" and run something in the neighborhood of 230 pounds... so, OF COURSE I wanted to dress up as Daisy Duke in front of people at work!
SO... I go shopping at thrift stores looking for shoes and odds and ends to make this outfit look right, and do a bunch of preparation in advance. Things are going so smoothly, I start getting nervous as the day approaches... but, I've already cleared it with management, I've got an Uncle Jesse, Bo, Luke and even Cooter all lined up, waiting on me to go, so I can't back down, and I wouldn't anyway, it just isn't like me to quit something once I've started. So, I show up at work today with the outfit on, but under some pajama pants and my trench coat... just looking fairly regular, but with my boobs and shoes in my lunch bag, which is where the story turns into a Seinfeld episode... The 'show' starts at 11 o'clock; I head to the men's room at 10 'till to get ready.
I already said I was a little nervous, right? Stage Fright is probably more accurate, but that's how it was. I go into the stall on the end, lock the door and sit my bag down. I take the pj bottom's off, where I have regular jean shorts on underneath, and I kick off my shoes. I have to pee, so I go ahead and pull 'mini-me' and commence the urination. Now... have you ever heard the saying "No matter how much you shake and dance, the last two drops go in your pants?" Well, let me tell you, as a man who has been pissing on his own for at least the last 10 years, I can tell you with certainty that that shit is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I zip up, and look down, and lo and behold there is a small, dark stain spreading on the crotch of my light blue jeans. Now, keep in mind, I'm dressing as Daisy Duke... so, the only visible portion OF these shorts is CROTCH.
"FUCK!" I say, with aplomb. "Of ALL the fucking days to spring a leak..." and I start scrubbing at it with toilet paper, which actually just spreads it around more. I roll the shorts up further, which covers some of it, but uncovers more disgusting hairy leg. I said "Fuck it," thinking I still have 10 minutes until show time and it will dry by then, and I start tying my undershirt in a knot to act as a sports bra for my 'boobs', which are actually 5 rolled up socks each. I grab the giant sock balls from out of the lunch bag, thinking I can get both at the same time with one hand... which, it turns out, I couldn't.
SPLASH!! One of my sock piles flopped right into the toilet. Which is still filled with pee.
"GOD DAMMIT!" I whisper-shout, and fish the pee-soaked bundle out of the crapper. Aside from smelling like piss, it is now totally useless to me as a breast. "What the fuck am I gonna do now?" I say to myself. Only 5 minutes left until the show, people are counting on me, people have been asking me for WEEKS what I was going to be, and I didn't tell ANYONE but the people in the group, built up all this pressure... and now, I only had one available tit. (As an afterthought, I think 'Breast Cancer Awareness month' is this month, maybe last month, I could have rolled with it... yeah, ok, that shit would not have flown.)
At this point, I admit, I was panicking a little bit. All this time spent, all the worry... it was supposed to be GREAT; and now here I was, stuck in a stall, with no costume, cursed by my own pee, and the foul penis that voided it... But, then a thought occurred to me... aside from the 5 wet socks, I had another ball of non-wet socks in my hand... AND 2 fresh socks that I had just pulled from my feet. That's 7 socks! A man who can't make a pair of breasts out of 7 socks shouldn't call himself a man at all!
So I frantically unravel the ball of socks (Ok, to be truthful, the first thing I did was flush) and separate them into two piles, to make 2 new 3-sock balls. These I stuffed into my sports-bra t-shirt to create some modest B cups... and the last sock went down the front of my pants to assist in the drying process. With only a minute to spare, I wrapped the pee-soaked bundle in the pajama pants, and shoved it all into my lunch bag. (No Lunch was harmed in the filming of this episode) Then, I slid on my shoes (Which matched my blouse perfectly, thank you very much!), set the lunch bag on the counter, and marched confidently out of the men's room.
I even scored a rose! The best comment I received was from the guy dressed as a rotting zombie... he said "Jeez, and I thought I would be dressed in the scariest costume!" HA! The moral of the story goes like this:
T-shirt = $6.99 for six
Shorty-shorts = $19.99
6 pairs of socks = $5.99
Losing a sock breast in a puddle of urine, and using your remaining socks to mop up your pee to continue your masquerade as a woman... PRICELESS!!
The Angry (Sexy) Man
For Halloween this year, I was approached with the idea of doing the Dukes of Hazard... by this tiny Asian girl who wanted to dress up as Uncle Jesse, with me as Daisy Duke. Now, for those of you not familiar with me, I'm about 6'4" and run something in the neighborhood of 230 pounds... so, OF COURSE I wanted to dress up as Daisy Duke in front of people at work!
SO... I go shopping at thrift stores looking for shoes and odds and ends to make this outfit look right, and do a bunch of preparation in advance. Things are going so smoothly, I start getting nervous as the day approaches... but, I've already cleared it with management, I've got an Uncle Jesse, Bo, Luke and even Cooter all lined up, waiting on me to go, so I can't back down, and I wouldn't anyway, it just isn't like me to quit something once I've started. So, I show up at work today with the outfit on, but under some pajama pants and my trench coat... just looking fairly regular, but with my boobs and shoes in my lunch bag, which is where the story turns into a Seinfeld episode... The 'show' starts at 11 o'clock; I head to the men's room at 10 'till to get ready.
I already said I was a little nervous, right? Stage Fright is probably more accurate, but that's how it was. I go into the stall on the end, lock the door and sit my bag down. I take the pj bottom's off, where I have regular jean shorts on underneath, and I kick off my shoes. I have to pee, so I go ahead and pull 'mini-me' and commence the urination. Now... have you ever heard the saying "No matter how much you shake and dance, the last two drops go in your pants?" Well, let me tell you, as a man who has been pissing on his own for at least the last 10 years, I can tell you with certainty that that shit is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I zip up, and look down, and lo and behold there is a small, dark stain spreading on the crotch of my light blue jeans. Now, keep in mind, I'm dressing as Daisy Duke... so, the only visible portion OF these shorts is CROTCH.
"FUCK!" I say, with aplomb. "Of ALL the fucking days to spring a leak..." and I start scrubbing at it with toilet paper, which actually just spreads it around more. I roll the shorts up further, which covers some of it, but uncovers more disgusting hairy leg. I said "Fuck it," thinking I still have 10 minutes until show time and it will dry by then, and I start tying my undershirt in a knot to act as a sports bra for my 'boobs', which are actually 5 rolled up socks each. I grab the giant sock balls from out of the lunch bag, thinking I can get both at the same time with one hand... which, it turns out, I couldn't.
SPLASH!! One of my sock piles flopped right into the toilet. Which is still filled with pee.
"GOD DAMMIT!" I whisper-shout, and fish the pee-soaked bundle out of the crapper. Aside from smelling like piss, it is now totally useless to me as a breast. "What the fuck am I gonna do now?" I say to myself. Only 5 minutes left until the show, people are counting on me, people have been asking me for WEEKS what I was going to be, and I didn't tell ANYONE but the people in the group, built up all this pressure... and now, I only had one available tit. (As an afterthought, I think 'Breast Cancer Awareness month' is this month, maybe last month, I could have rolled with it... yeah, ok, that shit would not have flown.)
At this point, I admit, I was panicking a little bit. All this time spent, all the worry... it was supposed to be GREAT; and now here I was, stuck in a stall, with no costume, cursed by my own pee, and the foul penis that voided it... But, then a thought occurred to me... aside from the 5 wet socks, I had another ball of non-wet socks in my hand... AND 2 fresh socks that I had just pulled from my feet. That's 7 socks! A man who can't make a pair of breasts out of 7 socks shouldn't call himself a man at all!
So I frantically unravel the ball of socks (Ok, to be truthful, the first thing I did was flush) and separate them into two piles, to make 2 new 3-sock balls. These I stuffed into my sports-bra t-shirt to create some modest B cups... and the last sock went down the front of my pants to assist in the drying process. With only a minute to spare, I wrapped the pee-soaked bundle in the pajama pants, and shoved it all into my lunch bag. (No Lunch was harmed in the filming of this episode) Then, I slid on my shoes (Which matched my blouse perfectly, thank you very much!), set the lunch bag on the counter, and marched confidently out of the men's room.
I even scored a rose! The best comment I received was from the guy dressed as a rotting zombie... he said "Jeez, and I thought I would be dressed in the scariest costume!" HA! The moral of the story goes like this:
T-shirt = $6.99 for six
Shorty-shorts = $19.99
6 pairs of socks = $5.99
Losing a sock breast in a puddle of urine, and using your remaining socks to mop up your pee to continue your masquerade as a woman... PRICELESS!!
The Angry (Sexy) Man
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