Waiting

I feel like I am spending my days wasting time, waiting for something to happen.  What am I waiting for?  I am enjoying myself, I am spending time with friends and family, I am doing precisely whatever in the fuck I want to do... yet I am not satisfied with it.  Consciously, I am quite happy, I know I am doing things in a good fashion.  But, every few days it seems that the dissatisfaction creeps into my demeanor and sends me off... Why?

I realize one thing today that may be the cause of it.  I am not involved in ANYTHING right now.  I am just going to work and going home and going to bed, and just doing all the routine things that a person has to do to maintain their livelihood.  Work extra hours, pay bills, feed kids, feed self, entertain self with tv, sleep, rinse, repeat.  These things are not bad things in and of themselves.  I will invite friends over for cards or movies or games, and we will do these things and enjoy it... but to me, it still feels like wasting time, waiting for something else to happen.  I am not engaged.

Whenever I was in a relationship, that relationship became what my life was about.  Pleasing that other person, using that person's initiative as my own initiative.  I became lazy.  Well, that's not really true, I AM a lazy mother fucker... but I didn't realize it at the time, and it became who I was.  Now that I am on my own, I find I am struggling to find my own initiative.  I panic.  I am definitely spontaneous (Potato Fuck Vagina Slushie), but I panic because I have no net to catch me if I fail.  I have to be my own net.  You know, like every other grown man on the goddamn planet, you dumb cunt... now go wax your bikini line and stand up for yourself!  HA!

Point here is that, you have to be engaged in something.  Taking time off is excellent... for a short time.  But, if you lose your reason for getting up in the morning... then you stop getting up in the morning.  I have spent the summer cooling my heels, and they are some cool shits now... time to get involved, bitch...



The Angry Man