Still here... still Angry... or am I?
It's been about a month since my last post. I've been debating on just wrapping the whole thing up, not take the time to write anymore, pass out the handshakes and campaign buttons and go on my merry way. I've tried to write... I've got 2 unfinished posts to prove it! Maybe I've lost my edge, I thought. Maybe, with the events of the past several months, I've used up most of the anger. Maybe I don't need it anymore. Was the rage the only thing keeping me going? Did I turn into some fucking adrenaline junkie, only able to function with a head full of fire, and now that the heat has died down, I'm going to go back to who I was?
FUCK THAT. I've got the fire. I've got the passion. I've got the will. It was NOT anger that kept me going, but a desire to do right. I made a motherfucking PLAN, and that plan is working. That motherfucking plan was brilliance in itself, and I am a fool for thinking otherwise. A very important piece of that plan fell into place this week, and I could barely handle it. I had to step back and look, like "Holy shit on toast! Really?! You mean that actually WORKED?!" Fuck yeah, it worked! And, it's what you set out to do in the beginning, you dick, so fucking quit whining and get your ass back to work!
So, in my new role of high narcissism (and apparent schizophrenia), I thought I would take the time to recount the successes of the past year.
1. Moving Out. This is the point at the very end of April '08 when I made the decision that I was not living a real life. I finally realized that I had totally relinquished control of myself to another person. It was not with anger that I came to this realization, but the anger was there to help me carry through with the decision. Do I blame her? No, not really. People tell me I should, but in my new capacity for reasoning, I KNOW that the only person with power of me is ME... and to whomever I give that power. I handed over the reigns to the Me-Sleigh, and she accepted them and started pulling. Her fault, or my fault? Meh, its done now...
2. School. I finished school in September. This is more than just a last year success, it goes back to '06 when I started. This is the point when I first started DOING instead of THINKING... and it fucking WORKED. I came out as ME, and people responded. People came to me with questions, teachers selected me for leadership roles, students WANTED my help. It was the nerdy equivalent of Gym Class: I was first picked for dodge ball every time. This was where I really started seeing that there was much more to life than what I was doing.
3. Friends. No particular milestone for this one, but with my new found love for myself, I was able to put that love towards other people. And, once again, they responded. By not trying to garner affection, but by literally just being me and saying what I thought, when I thought it, most people I came into contact with responded favorably. While there have been some who were not able to handle someone with real thoughts and ideas, those were few, and of no consequence now.
4. Family. First, my boys. I have a relationship with my boys that is of MY choosing. I am no longer concerned about what I SHOULD be doing, but with what I FEEL I should be doing. Fuck you Cosby Show! Second, Mom. Mom is just mom, she never judges, never makes me feel bad, just shows up and does her thing, and we get along great. Dad... judges, makes me feel bad, doesn't just show up but waits for an invitation which goes back to making me feel bad... and we get along great! The fact that I can tell my Dad these things now has given us a powerful relationship that we've just never had. Finally, all my brothers. The Younger trio have always been distant from me, which is primarily a geographical deficiency more than anything else. I have been able to break down the walls, and just be able to hang out with those guys and get to know them, and will continue to do so. Older brother has always been a dominant figure in my life; someone I can't help but to look up to... I think the greatest thing to come about from this change is, I think in some ways, he now looks up to me.
5. Holidays. I went through almost a full years worth of holidays this year on my own, but that doesn't mean I was alone. Holiday's used to mean "Fuck, we gotta go over to such-n-such's house. How can I get out of it?" Now it is "4th of July? Ok, cool... how about we sit on my porch and eat marshmallows out of a bag and watch the neighbors shoot bottle rockets?" Now my youngest comes to me every weekend and says "Can we watch fiya cwackers?" and I say "Boy... its December... get in the house." Holidays became this horrible obligation to other people, instead of a chance to let people know you love them, and to have fun. Halloween I went trick or treating with the boys, Thanksgiving I spent alone in spite of all of the dinner invitations, Christmas was with the boys, Mom, Dad, everyone who SHOULD be involved in Christmas, and New Years was spent in the company of strangers, which I think is the way it should be done.
6. Love. I'm not going to get all sappy and gooey, nor am I going to give any details as to WHO it involves; That's not what this blog is for. Suffice to say, if I love you, you will know, because I will tell you directly, and I will show you what you mean to me. That goes for everyone. I have had TREMENDOUS strides in this department, by simply letting the barriers down and letting my heart out. That is at the core of what my plan was about in the beginning, starting with myself.
That's where I'm at right now... and the Plan is still in effect. I have made some leaps in the Career department, but I'm satisfied where that is at for now. Career is a hard place to put a 'Not Give A Fuck' attitude, as generally the entire idea of a job interview is to bullshit your way past their guard and make them believe you know what you are doing. I'll figger that one out soon enough, I'm sure... Really, I think that if a fucking new boss can't handle me, then I didn't want to work there in the first place.
Finally... Thank You. Thank you to those who read my posts, and to those who have accepted me for who I am. Also, Thank you for smacking me when I doubted my Plan.
The Angry Man
It's been about a month since my last post. I've been debating on just wrapping the whole thing up, not take the time to write anymore, pass out the handshakes and campaign buttons and go on my merry way. I've tried to write... I've got 2 unfinished posts to prove it! Maybe I've lost my edge, I thought. Maybe, with the events of the past several months, I've used up most of the anger. Maybe I don't need it anymore. Was the rage the only thing keeping me going? Did I turn into some fucking adrenaline junkie, only able to function with a head full of fire, and now that the heat has died down, I'm going to go back to who I was?
FUCK THAT. I've got the fire. I've got the passion. I've got the will. It was NOT anger that kept me going, but a desire to do right. I made a motherfucking PLAN, and that plan is working. That motherfucking plan was brilliance in itself, and I am a fool for thinking otherwise. A very important piece of that plan fell into place this week, and I could barely handle it. I had to step back and look, like "Holy shit on toast! Really?! You mean that actually WORKED?!" Fuck yeah, it worked! And, it's what you set out to do in the beginning, you dick, so fucking quit whining and get your ass back to work!
So, in my new role of high narcissism (and apparent schizophrenia), I thought I would take the time to recount the successes of the past year.
1. Moving Out. This is the point at the very end of April '08 when I made the decision that I was not living a real life. I finally realized that I had totally relinquished control of myself to another person. It was not with anger that I came to this realization, but the anger was there to help me carry through with the decision. Do I blame her? No, not really. People tell me I should, but in my new capacity for reasoning, I KNOW that the only person with power of me is ME... and to whomever I give that power. I handed over the reigns to the Me-Sleigh, and she accepted them and started pulling. Her fault, or my fault? Meh, its done now...
2. School. I finished school in September. This is more than just a last year success, it goes back to '06 when I started. This is the point when I first started DOING instead of THINKING... and it fucking WORKED. I came out as ME, and people responded. People came to me with questions, teachers selected me for leadership roles, students WANTED my help. It was the nerdy equivalent of Gym Class: I was first picked for dodge ball every time. This was where I really started seeing that there was much more to life than what I was doing.
3. Friends. No particular milestone for this one, but with my new found love for myself, I was able to put that love towards other people. And, once again, they responded. By not trying to garner affection, but by literally just being me and saying what I thought, when I thought it, most people I came into contact with responded favorably. While there have been some who were not able to handle someone with real thoughts and ideas, those were few, and of no consequence now.
4. Family. First, my boys. I have a relationship with my boys that is of MY choosing. I am no longer concerned about what I SHOULD be doing, but with what I FEEL I should be doing. Fuck you Cosby Show! Second, Mom. Mom is just mom, she never judges, never makes me feel bad, just shows up and does her thing, and we get along great. Dad... judges, makes me feel bad, doesn't just show up but waits for an invitation which goes back to making me feel bad... and we get along great! The fact that I can tell my Dad these things now has given us a powerful relationship that we've just never had. Finally, all my brothers. The Younger trio have always been distant from me, which is primarily a geographical deficiency more than anything else. I have been able to break down the walls, and just be able to hang out with those guys and get to know them, and will continue to do so. Older brother has always been a dominant figure in my life; someone I can't help but to look up to... I think the greatest thing to come about from this change is, I think in some ways, he now looks up to me.
5. Holidays. I went through almost a full years worth of holidays this year on my own, but that doesn't mean I was alone. Holiday's used to mean "Fuck, we gotta go over to such-n-such's house. How can I get out of it?" Now it is "4th of July? Ok, cool... how about we sit on my porch and eat marshmallows out of a bag and watch the neighbors shoot bottle rockets?" Now my youngest comes to me every weekend and says "Can we watch fiya cwackers?" and I say "Boy... its December... get in the house." Holidays became this horrible obligation to other people, instead of a chance to let people know you love them, and to have fun. Halloween I went trick or treating with the boys, Thanksgiving I spent alone in spite of all of the dinner invitations, Christmas was with the boys, Mom, Dad, everyone who SHOULD be involved in Christmas, and New Years was spent in the company of strangers, which I think is the way it should be done.
6. Love. I'm not going to get all sappy and gooey, nor am I going to give any details as to WHO it involves; That's not what this blog is for. Suffice to say, if I love you, you will know, because I will tell you directly, and I will show you what you mean to me. That goes for everyone. I have had TREMENDOUS strides in this department, by simply letting the barriers down and letting my heart out. That is at the core of what my plan was about in the beginning, starting with myself.
That's where I'm at right now... and the Plan is still in effect. I have made some leaps in the Career department, but I'm satisfied where that is at for now. Career is a hard place to put a 'Not Give A Fuck' attitude, as generally the entire idea of a job interview is to bullshit your way past their guard and make them believe you know what you are doing. I'll figger that one out soon enough, I'm sure... Really, I think that if a fucking new boss can't handle me, then I didn't want to work there in the first place.
Finally... Thank You. Thank you to those who read my posts, and to those who have accepted me for who I am. Also, Thank you for smacking me when I doubted my Plan.
The Angry Man
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