Offense - 4 Deaths

This post is about something that has affected my life last year, in what was one of the few years that I actually recall what had happened. I don't say that like I'm some fucking drug-addict and every year is a blur... But, realistically, how often do you equate your experiences to the year they happened in? I remember clearly driving to Florida for vacation a few years ago, but i couldn't tell you without some serious calculation what year it actually was... 2008 will be forever remembered to me as the year of Four Deaths, and I will tell the story of why it is significant to me.

2008 was a BAD year... Economy was in the toilet, worried about losing my job, marriage falling apart... and four people I knew died in very different ways. The first was Jacob, a friend of mine from work. It was May 30th when I got the news. I was on vacation that week, and I got a text message saying I needed to call in to work for something important. I called my friend Angie, and she told me very directly "Um... dude... Jacob is dead." I was sitting in my moms driveway at the time, on my way to have dinner... and I couldn't move. People say things like "I was stunned!" or "My blood ran cold" or some shit like that... i just... COULDN'T... move. "What." i said in a total deadpan. "He killed himself last night", she told me. "I wanted to call you and tell you, so you didn't find out on Monday when you got back." I sat in Mom's driveway in silence for about a half an hour, before going in and telling her about the phone call I just had. I couldn't think of anything to do or say about it. It was what it was, no take-backs. Jacob was THE most upbeat person at the office. Everyday, he would walk by my desk and go "Helloooo!" with a big goofy smile, and we all loved that. His car would break down, and he would come in to work and say "Well, the alternator needs rebuilt. WEEE!!" and just laugh.

And then... he died. I had noticed a change in him at around the beginning of the year, but i didn't know anything about his personal life, and wasn't going to pry. I found out later that his wife had left him around that time. I'm not going to say some shit like "Oh, if only I had said something!" and blame myself for it... HE made the decision to cease living, and playing the 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' game is a waste of time and emotion. But, his death is the one that i find myself reliving the most out of the four... the one that is perhaps the most senseless. Jacobs suicide has had a lot to do with many of the choices I've made in the last year... because to me, while Jacob chose to die, I choose to live. I never did find out how he did it...

The second death of 2008 is that of my then Father-in-law, Bob. He was a good man, with some serious health problems caused, in my opinion, by a life too close to the edge for too long. He loved and helped everyone he came into contact with... even people who had ripped him off time and time again, he still helped them. And then, his wife died in 2006. His world died with her. It took two long, painful years for him to finally follow her, but he did. In the meantime, he all but ignored his old friends and family, his grandkids, his own health... He was rushed to the ER so many times during that period where they had to literally bring him back to life... and he would just sign himself out, call a ride home, and start the cycle all over again. Bob's death is as much of a suicide to me as Jacob's... both men found life too difficult to continue. Both made the choice to quit. I was the second person to witness his death; his girlfriend at the time draped over him, bawling, because her golden ticket had finally expired. I genuinely admired the man; but his giving up like that disgusts me to this day...

Death number three was surprisingly the easiest for me to handle, being that it was the only one that was a direct relative of mine. My grandmother, Murlene, (White Grandmaw we used to call her) was the toughest old bitch that ever put on boots and walked the land. She was 89 at the time of her death... Up until she broke her hip the first time in 2004, she used to mow her own lawn with a push mower EVERY week. I swear, she knew EVERYTHING there is to know about birds, plants, genealogy... She had like 30 grandchildren, and she remembered each one's birthday, as well as her kids' spouses, and her neighbors! Although she was my Dad's mom, she was my mom's best friend. She broke her hip for the second time in mid-October. She told the doctor at the time "If the surgery doesn't go well, just let me lie," and she signed a paper giving her wishes. The surgery actually went fine... but during recovery, she developed pneumonia, and spent over a week in hospice on pain killers. At first, i was upset that they were just letting her lay there in bed and basically starve to death... it just seemed cruel, no matter what her wishes were. Now I realize she was tired, and was going out on HER terms. On the outside, this seems similar to the first two deaths... but White Grandmaw had lived a good long time, and had earned that last rest. It is more like an honorable surrender to a superior opponent, than a cowardly bowing out, out of fear.

The last death is the one least connected with me personally, but was the hardest to handle. Eden was 8 years old. Of these four, she was the only one who wanted to live. She had been living with the utter debilitating pain of lymphoma her ENTIRE life... and yet, life was still too sweet for her to surrender it. I had only met her once, when she was 4 or 5, and bald because of the chemotherapy she was constantly under. Eden was as lively as any of the other kids, and totally unafraid to romp and play. Thinking about it now, I can barely stand to write the rest of this... but I will. It is important.

Her death was on December 27th... two days after the best Christmas she had ever had. They had let her grow her hair out for the previous few months, her parents having already been given the news that she had lost the fight. She dyed it pink, just because she could. She got everything that was ever made for Hannah Montana, and screamed like a maniac when she opened each one. She died at home. In her father's arms.

The funeral was January 1st, 2009. It was THE most soul-crushing event I've ever been to. There were probably 300 people at the church. I remember Jim Ganahl giving a speech about the first time he met Eden, at Red, White and Boom in 2006. I remember the high school cheerleaders, in tears, telling about making her an honorary member of their squad. I remember the tiny 7 year old girl, a cancer survivor and friend of Eden, saying very clearly into the microphone through her tears "I love you Eden, and I miss you." And yet, the worst part, was the song at the end. I don't know the singer, but the song was called "Don't tell me if I'm dying." Her mother, surprisingly serene and calm through the entire presentation, told us the story of the first time she had heard that song. She and Eden were riding in the car, and Eden said "Mommy, turn this song up!" She sang every word. Her mother had to pull over for 10 minutes because she was crying so hard. I remember seeing her tiny, still form lying in the casket.

SO... (wiping away the tears) why drag myself through this again? Because, it is important. Of these four well-loved people, only ONE of them wanted to live. So many people in this world give up on life... while others hang onto it tooth and nail, and have it stripped away. Forget all of your problems. Forget all of your religion and politics. Forget all of your insecurities, your obsessions, your doubts. LIVE. LOVE. FIGHT. Fight until the blood runs free from your veins, then fight some more. Let nothing stand in your way. I saw pictures from all over the country with Eden shaking hands with President Bush, Alan Jackson, Jim Ganahl, throwing the first pitch at baseball games, dropping the puck at hockey... she packed as much experience into her life as she possibly could. Of these fallen friends, I choose to take her example... the others will remain forever in my memory, as fuel for the fury that will sustain me.


The Angry Man

Offense - Depression

OK, I think I've let the dust settle long enough from the last post. Tonight, I thought I would go in a different direction; these political posts are getting fucking stale, and that isn't the purpose I originally set for this thing. I've also caught some flack for the 'confrontational' nature of this blog which, to me, is a sign of success. If people hate my writing enough to yell at me for it, I have done my job. And, a reminder; if the word 'fuck' offends you... surf on, Kemosabe...

I wanted to take the time to discuss my views on depression. It's become almost a political topic nowadays, and drugs to combat depression are advertised every-fucking-place... almost as much as beer, which USED to serve as the only anti-depressant people needed! Talking about depression in public is almost as bad as discussion religion... people have their views on handling it, and FUCK YOU if you think different.

Everybody gets depressed once in awhile... Most people get depressed quite frequently. (I have been depression free for about... 38 minutes now! Thank you, thank you, please hold your applause until the end.) Does this mean that there is some imbalance in their chemical makeup, causing them to wear black clothes and listen to Suicidal Tendencies? No, it means that every day isn't fucking peas-and-carrots like these fucking do-gooder motivational speakers want it to be. Being alive sucks pretty god damn hard most of the time... but, it sure beats the shit out of being dead!

Now, I'm no Dr. Phil, here to tell you to "Get real" and just get over it. Being depressed is some serious shit that everyone deals with, and you need to look into it and find the source. Any emotion has a trigger; you don't perceive anything without an object of your perception... Seeing the sun set triggers happiness in me. Watching my son climb a fence causes anxiety in me, for fear that he will fall. The thought about the amount of work I will have to complete tomorrow can cause anxiety, or even despair. Reminiscing about past relationships can cause all sorts of emotions. Depression follows the same rules. Is your depression caused by a sense of failure over your accomplishments, or lack thereof? Or is it caused by the loss of a loved one? Unrequited feelings for another? Unfulfilled expectations?

What O-fends me is the band-wagon of American culture towards chemical solutions to depression. I'm not going to get into the Health care speech again, I've done enough of that... but, it seems to me that the pharmacists just weren't selling enough pills, so they came up with a plan. "Hmm," thought Bob, the pharmacist. "What do people need today? Already got a head full of hair and an enormous penis! How about we convince people that 'depression' is a medical problem, and start selling pills to fight it?" (As if giant dick pills weren't enough to combat depression!) Now, you've got shit like Celexa and Prozac flying off the shelves like Tickle-me Elmo, and people are not 'fixing' their problems, just 'setting them aside'.

Before some asshole gets on here and yells at me like "You don't know what it's like!" let me spit my depression cred... My grandfather killed himself when I was 1. My dad has been admitted into institutions. My step dad hung himself in my mom's basement, where she found him. I've already written about the other people I know who gave up. I have lived with it for my whole life. I took Celexa for a year, finally buying the story that "maybe it IS medical". What that shit did for me was make me an emotionless zombie. Shit just didn't matter anymore; I would stare at the wall until someone called my name, then I would turn sleepily towards the sound. Oh, I wasn't feeling depressed anymore. I wasn't feeling anything else, either!

Then, there is the other side of it... these super-upbeat, nothing-bothers-me-ever, stiff-upper-lip, grass-is-always-greener, perpetual LIARS that walk around and act like bad feelings just don't exist. THOSE are the people that scare me the most, that keep such an iron grip on their emotions that there just isn't room for anything else. Emotions are like Jello (just go with me on this...) its all wiggly and fluid, and it fills the container you put it in perfectly... but if you grab a hand full and squeeze, that shit will come squirting out all sides. The idea with Jello is to make a nice, safe container for it, in whatever shape you desire... then chill.

I guess my point here is, depression happens, and you have to deal with it. Sometimes forgetting about it for a while actually IS the answer. (Bring on the recreational drugs!) Most of the time, it takes some serious soul-searching to find the answer but, trust me, the answer IS there. Just take the time to look, and be honest with yourself. That is what most people have trouble with, is self-honesty. Admitting, even to yourself, that you have a problem.

SO... Find a friend, smoke a blunt, drink a beer, do whatever it is you have to do to take the time to search yourself for the answer. Check over your own bowl of Jello to find out what is sticking out of it that doesn't belong (Carrot sticks? WTF?!) and take care of it. Taking any kind of medication is not, nor will ever be, a real solution to depression.

By the way, you know what my mom and grandmother did after finding their dead husbands? My grandma lived in the same house another 25 years... my mom is still in the same house after 8. THAT is fucking cast-iron BALLS right there... Go Mom! Go Grandmaw!

The Angry Man

Offense - Healthcare pt 2

Because I do not happen to be in any condition to write something myself this evening, i'm going to just steal an email message i recieved from my good friend Dr. Phil. (Not THE Dr. Phil, but a friend of mine, who is a Doctor named Philip) And, because there are no obscenities in said email... Fucking shit, goddam, ass-licking, dick smack, FUCK.

One other note... during my last post, I made it clear that I am not any type of political activist, and that I do not have any understanding of the two party system in this country, it was brought to my attention that I have deep Democratic sympathies because, apparently using your brain and caring about humanity are some of the virtues of the Democratic party. I said "God Damn, what the life of a fucking Republican must be like!" Ok, here this goes...

Healthcare for Billionaires

TALKING POINTS:
You Deserve the Healthcare you can Afford:
Healthcare is a service and those who can pay more deserve better service. For instance, if a school is burning down and my cat is stuck in a tree, the fire department should get my cat out of the tree first because I can pay a higher premium for their time and effort.
Don’t give the government your money! We are happy to keep gouging you instead.
Government efficiency. Where’s the profit in that?
The current system works… FOR US!:
We like the current system: we get to insure the healthy and offload the sick to taxpayers.
How so? When any one of the 47 million uninsured Americans need care they go to the emergency room – at 5 times the cost of a doctor’s visit! – Taxpayers are already footing that bill nice and quietly everyday. And hospitals get to charge full market rates while we only insure wealthy, healthy customers. It’s a win-win! Well, maybe not for taxpayers…
Sick people are bad for good profits.
We’re a business. We have to cut the weak links in the chain. Sick people are those weak links.
Some people say the healthcare system is broken. But it works for us. Just like Congress.
Just imagine all of the new businesses or creative energy people would invest their time and true talents in if they weren’t chained to a job they hated just for “healthcare benefits”. My gawd, ask anyone at the country club – there are way too many nouveau-riche already!
Pre-existing conditions:
We’re happy to accept people with pre-existing conditions: health, wealth, and youth.
Healthcare is a commodity, not a right.
You want insurance AND a house?! And you call ME greedy?
You think YOU’RE spending a lot on healthcare? Heck, we employ 6 lobbyists for every member of Congress.
Denying Claims:
We deny more claims before 8am than Medicare does all day.
Because nothing says “freedom” like denying claims.
We believe in a free market. We should be free to deny coverage at will.


Recision:
We’re hear to stand up for Freedom of Recision.
Some people might call these the real death panels, but its merely good business: we dump customers from our rolls when they become too sick to cover. Just last year three of our health care insurance companies saved $300 million by kicking out a mere 20,000 customers! And about that woman with breast cancer that President Obama mentioned? Are you trying to tell me that acne isn’t a preexisting condition to cancer? But make no mistake, people don’t want the gov’t deciding who should get care. They are happy to leave it up to us and our legions of anonymous temps using strict cost-to-profit ratios.
Who we are
Billionaires for Wealthcare is a grassroots network of health insurance CEOs, industry lobbyists, talk-show hosts, and others profiting off of our broken health care system.
We are not a political, religious or even particularly well-organized group. We're simple folk, thrilled profiteers pouring out of our corner offices to dance on the grave of "Change."
We'll do whatever it takes to ensure another decade where your pain is our gain. After all, when it comes to healthcare, if we ain't broke, why fix it?
About Us
With all the talk of healthcare reform, we at Billionaires for Wealthcare have one simple question: What’s not to like about the current system?
For the last decade, heath care costs have been moving in the right direction: up. With no competition, we raise rates as often and as high as we like — 29% in some cases, simply because, well, we can. To further maximize our gains we have a star chamber of insurance bureaucrats, backed by legions of anonymous temps, who adhere to strict cost-to-profit ratios when denying claims. But please don’t call them Death Panels; we prefer “Judge, Jury & Executioner.”
To those who call for rational, not rationed, care, we say, What are you Canadian? As to the rest of you — reformers, (em)pathetic legislators, and anyone sick or who might ever get sick — we say, ‘What are you going to do about it? Choose a public option?’ Not with us paying lobbyists $1.4 million per day to kill it before it even gets out of committee. Is it any wonder that as healthcare reform inches ever closer to the grave, health insurers’ stock prices have shot up?
Health care reform is on life-support and we’re here to pull the plug. And we’re doing it with the same talking points we used in 1994 and so many times before.
Thanks to our loyal foot-soldiers Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, we’ve raised the level of discourse to a cacophonous din. While some suggest Glenn & Co. are fomenting their audiences’ anger with lies, threats and intimidation, we simply call it creative messaging for traditional ends. At times, these teabaggers vent their anger in our direction. We’d like to remind these well-meaning folk that their fight is not with us, it is FOR us. Thank you! The check is in the mail.

My favorite part of this discourse is the source I recieved it from... Dr. Phil, who as a practicing ER Doctor, stands to lose the MOST by such a conversion, yet he actively supports it... I dunno, maybe because he is a GOOD DOCTOR.

I know this thing is horribly one sided, but fuck' em. When I find a statement that makes sense to me from the other side of the barn, I'll post it too... god damn, this shit pisses me off...

The Angry Man

Offense - Politics

This is about some shit that has pissed me off in the last few days regarding politics. Remember, dear reader, that your loving Angry Man is A-political... I have NO affiliation, nor will I. This post sort of has to do with the election that just wrapped up about 10 months ago... and the fact that already, I see dickheads with counters saying things like "Only 1107 days until he's out of office!"

First off, this poor guy Obama was put in charge of a country in the worst position it has been globally in 80 years. This is because our last elected leader was an un-certified retard. Yeah, I said it! Now, remember, I don't give two shits about POLITICS; I hated the movie Fahrenheit 911 because, hell, if you take ONLY the bad publicity from someone and play distorted soundbites out of context, you can make ANYONE seem like a villain. I don't think he was a BAD man; but, G.W. was a goddamn fool. Watch ANY public appearance by him, and you'll see what a dipshit he is. There just is no denying the state in which our economy was left. There is also no denying that he entered us into a war on two fronts, which any Sun Tzu student (or Starcraft player) would know is a BAD IDEA. Any one who says he was a successful president is a die-hard right winger, refusing to acknowledge reality.

Barack Obama is a man... for arguments sake, we'll say a good man. In the same way that I don't think G.W. was a bad man, I believe any elected official gets up and goes to work with the idea of doing a good job. Obama has been handed the reigns of a sinking ship, and is doing his best to steer. People want to be pissed off about this suggestions for universal health care or gun control, but at least he is DOING something! Shit is BROKE, and he's looking to try some different things to find a way to fix it. Big picture here, people! Why do you think he wants to institute a program like universal health care? Is it because he is a tyrant, and wants to institute BIG GOVERNMENT over everything, so he and his cronies can burst with evil laughter and twist their luxuriant handlebar mustaches? Or, because he thinks it might be a solution to a portion of the economy domintated by unfair practices?

All I'm saying, is give a brother a chance! He's a quarter of the way into his presidency, he's showing some initiative, lets see what he'll come up with. Lets TALK about some of his policies... but don't write the man off...

As an added note, I just read an article about Jimmy Carter saying an outburst during a congressional session was racially motivated. Racism is fucking dead, Jim. What that comment does is finger YOU as a racist; just the fact that such a thing was at the forefront of your mind tells me its not too far from your heart.

The Angry Man

Offense - 9/11

This is just a quick rant about 9/11 and some of the shit people say and do about it.

I want to start by telling you that my work made an announcement at 8:30 this morning saying that we were going to have a moment of silence at 8:45... which came... and went... and no one stopped what they were doing to... well, stop what they were doing. I thought that was funny, and no one even brought it up again the rest of the day.

The shit that O-fends me, is people who get O-fended by the way that you choose to deal with 9/11, as if it were a holy day. I get sick of the "Lets all take a moment to remember..." bullshit that I keep hearing. Do I need someone to tell me how to feel, or WHEN to feel about it? Lets make some comparisons here...

You know what I do for memorial day? I enjoy the day off of work; I might grill up some brats, drink some beer, hang out with friends or family... do I think about any dead military people I may know? Not for a second. Sorry, I just don't. Am I not a good American because of it? What has two thumbs and doesn't give a fuck? ME. I do the same god damn thing for Labor Day, 4th of July, Veterans day, VE-Day, VJ-Day, and whatever other days the Banks decide to not work. Am I not a good American because of it? Am I to feel guilty for not spending my day in morose contemplation of people who were murdered for ideals that I do not have the TINIEST understand of, or sympathy for?

Let's be freakin' realistic here; No war we have been involved in since WWII was in the defense of our sovereignity. Korea, Vietnam, Cuba (well, maybe Cuba), Desert Storm, Iraq Today... ALL of that shit was politically motivated. All of those deaths were politically motivated. It's not about Democrat or Republican, its about making friends... and sending your countrymen to their deaths in the effort of keeping those friends...

So, to wrap up... you wanna know what I do on 9/11? I get up and I go to work. Because THAT is the American way. That is what the people who were killed on 9/11 were doing... working. What better tribute to these people could there possibly be?

The Angry Man