Fear & Loathing

I had a conversation last night with someone about Fear, and it came to a point where I could no longer verbalize what I felt.  That never happens to me.  So I thought I would try to put it down here, in long-hand, to try and get that out.

I am afraid.  Sometimes it gets overwhelming, and I need to pull away, breathe, and get myself back under control.  Fear is a phantasm; it is not real.  It is a product of your own mind, a combination of negative thoughts and anxiety.  I do my best to not let fear control me.  It is extremely difficult much of the time.  I know that I have to just laugh and press on anyway through the fear.  I know that when I follow my heart when choosing my actions, the end result will be something *of* my heart, and will be a good result. 

Sometimes, the fear gets in the way.  Sometimes doubts and anxiety cloud my vision of awesomeness, and cause me to misstep.  I am afraid of that happening, which causes a paradox.  I sometimes become afraid of the fear causing me to fail.  I become afraid of Fear Itself.  (Fuck you, FDR!)  Entering a given situation, if I go in unconcerned about the final outcome, the situation resolves itself with good results.  If I enter a situation where I have a desire for a specific outcome, the Fear latches on to the occasion, like a tick gripping a flap of arm fat, burrowing its monstrous little head into your body causing mind bending pain and insisting that you Deal With It, instead of anything else going on.  The alternative to this is to not give a fuck about anything, which is not really a solution, but a cop out.  That lifestyle is only maintainable so long as you have very little regard for yourself.

Many times, I am afraid of myself.  Nothing in this world, no outside influences frighten me more than my own ability to destroy.  I am aware of my own capabilities of destruction.  If I dwell on it for any length of time, it terrifies me right down to the bone.  I know what I can do.  Knowing what I can do is the only thing that keeps me from doing those things.  I do not consider myself particularly strong, just strong enough.  If a task needs completed, I can be strong enough to complete that task.  No question about it, I can be just exactly that strong, for as long as is needed to complete the task.  The toll afterwards is usually enormous, whether it is mentally or physically, but it is paid.  Is this a good quality?  Some might say absolutely, Yes, it is.  I just know that it is a terrible understanding of oneself.  I understand that there are very few tasks that can be put in front of me that I cannot accomplish.  Think about that.  When someone says that, you usually have visions of things like the Olympics.  Athletes reaching for the stars.  Steve Jobs.  Martin Luther King.  Mother Theresa, Mary Lou Retton, Nelson Mandella, Fucking Oprah Winfrey.  All amazingly talented and compassionate people, changing the world with their vision.  But, still just simple humans, like you and I.  Now consider the convex: Ed Gein's mutilations and experiments.  John Wayne Gacy.  Jerry Sandusky.  Jeffrey Dahmer.  Jack the Ripper.  The guy who just shot up the elementary school.  These are also people with Vision.  Visions of terror and destruction, but still... just simple humans. I understand my own capability to visualize and attack.  My ability to Identify and Resolve.  We all are born with equal parts good and evil within us.  The path taken in the course of your life depends entirely on which seed you water. 

Those are, of course, extreme examples.  I am no Hitler, any more than I am Ghandi.  But, I am aware of how my actions affect others.  Constantly, painfully aware of this fact.  I have 2 boys.  Having children is an instructional course in abject terror.  These boys' only influences from the world around them are the ones that I put in place.  Their entire world view is shaped by me and the things that I put in front of them.  Sometimes I feel that any influence I can give them, other than mine, is a positive influence.  How can I possibly allow my sweet children to become infected by the poison that saturates my being, seeps through my pores, weeps constantly from my soul?  I have a strong understanding of the depths and depravity possible by man... and while it may be a source of strength for me, I do not wish such an understanding on anyone.  I protect my children from the dangers present in the world, and I also protect them from Myself, as I represent those dangers as much as anything else.  More so, because I am their parent. 

I have influence over 2 more children, for the 2 years that I lived with them, and more.  I love these children with all of my heart, as I love my 2 boys.  These 2 love and respect me as well, as they have not had a male role model in their lives.  I will not pass judgement on their mother, but just say that these 2 have had a tougher time with life and parental influences than my children.  I was moved at times to do what I could to protect them from their mothers influence, as I had stumbled across someone who was decidedly more poisonous and damaged than I had ever really encountered before.  I did what I could here for the sake of the children, not seeing the damage that I was doing to the mother.  My own good will and intentions, for the sake of the children, added to the rift between the children and their mother.  I had fallen in love with the children, and not their mother, who also KNEW THIS FACT, but kept quiet about it for the sake of her kids.  My decisions, my actions, had caused this woman to suffer as she watched her kids drift further away from her, and on to me.  I was suffering because of the inability to communicate with this woman.  Meanwhile, my own children suffered from my misery, seeing me pushing so hard against something that I could not possibly move.  After two years plus, things finally came to a head, and everything exploded. 

Now, I am not jackass enough to believe that everything revolves around me.  It wasn't my fault that she was fucked up.  She was fucked up when I got there.  I took a chance on someone, and was blinded by all of the early warning signs, because BOOBS.  But, the fear is there.  The fear is that a situation like this spun completely out of my control, and people were hurt.  Not just people, but highly impressionable children were hurt.  Not only mine, which I can take responsibility for, but I voluntarily ordered up a plate of hurt for someone else's children as well.  Did I do some good?  Sure.  I am the dad to these kids that they never had.  I am their De De.  But now, I am not there any more.  I am not there to take care of them, to hold them when they cry, to snatch them up with they step out of line, yet they have been given the impression that I would be there for these things.  Like a De De should.  And, now I am not. 

Do I regret the whole situation? Absolutely not.  To do so would throw away everything that we have had.  To do so would piss all over the memories and the positive influence that I know I had over those 2 wonderful children.  But, the fear is there.  The fear is there, because I did crush them, with my actions.  Who else will I do this to in my lifetime?  The road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions.  What other 'good intentions' will crop up in my selfish quest for companionship?  Should I just give up?  Have no more relationships with anyone except for the few people that I must retain relationships with, for the rest of my life?

No.  I will not do that.  I will not let the terrorists fear win.  To do so, would be to give up the human experience.  What example would I be setting for my children, for all of the children that I have influence over, that giving up is ok?  The fear will not rule me.  It may influence me on occasion.  That tick is still gnawing on the back of my arm... but I am just going to slap it and press on. 


Oh, and because the profanity in this article is disastrously low:  Fuckery Shitball Cuntsicle Lollipop Ass Raped Bunghole Poop Shower.  You are welcome!


The Angry Man

Identify and Resolve

This was advice I was given today:  Simple, Honest, Direct... and undeniably true.  This is primarily how I deal with any situation given to me, except for a 'taboo' few that I make far more complicated than they should be.  Those few being things that are all 'love' related, primarily my kids and my love life.  (Love Life sounds so fucking lame... who says shit like that?) 

All of life's issues can be addressed by that simple mantra, 'Identify, and Resolve'.  Broke your leg?  Go to the hospital.  Wrecked your car?  Call the police.  Lost a testicle by masturbating with heavy machinery?  Staple the wound shut, and go back to work.  I had an issue this week with my Smart Phone (Hereafter referred to as 'Fucking Smart Phone'), it stopped taking a charge.  I had to wiggle the damned cable to get it to start charging, then when I let go, it would stop and I'd have to fuck with it again.  I realized that I rely on this goddam thing too much... it is my only phone in the house, and it is my alarm clock.  At the time I found out it wouldn't charge at all any longer, it was 4 am on a work night, I had to be up at 6:15, and MAYBE I had a few beers that night.  So, what did I do?  Lost my alarm clock; pull up laptop and open an alarm clock page and set it to 6:15.  Problem solved.  Then, it turns out it is pretty difficult to wake up after 2 hours of sleep from an unexpected binge drink, and I slept through the laptop alarm until 7:50.  Phone was still dead, was due in to work at 8.  What did I do?  Put some pants on, drove 1/2 a mile to mom's house and called the only work phone number I could remember to talk to the boss.  Problem solved again, sure some stress but not an insurmountable situation, just a pain in the ass. 

I am obviously adept at operating in this fashion, and it has proven to me that it is the correct way to do things.  Identify and Resolve.  Why the hell am I crashing every few days then?  Because it takes an incredible amount of strength to behave this way, even with practice.  Because you have to have iron control over your emotions to not let things escape in to insanity.  You have to train yourself to assess any situation, consider possible solutions, and act.  It also takes a certain amount of cold-hearted ruthlessness to maintain this state.  And, I am not a robot, or Sherlock Holmes.  Or Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory.  Or many other terrifyingly driven individuals who can drown all noise and achieve their goals with pin point accuracy. 

Love is one thing that cannot be categorized in an 'Identify and Resolve' manner.  People do not work that way.  I suppose some do, but those are lonely, cold bastards.  I fucking HATE human beings, but to hate them is to love them too... to understand them, to know why they deserve to be hated and loved.  I am a bad person... and I am ok with that.  I am bad because I am a person.  I am not any worse than any other person, and by giving up the idea of love, I give up being a person.  I am a piece of shit, just like EVERYONE else, and there is nothing anyone can do about it!  I am quite satisfied with that.

That said, it is a good place to reside when things do get overwhelming.  Nothing should be overwhelming, not now, not ever.  I have had as many life events as anyone else my age, some better and some worse, and have made it here mostly in tact.  So have Billions of other souls on this earth before me... and most of them didn't have a Fucking Smart Phone to do it with!

Identify... and Resolve.  Done.



The Angry Man

Settling

I appreciate the concept of settling, in the context of 'Never settle for less than you deserve'.  However, I find that this is NOT a statement to live your life by, without first having some reasonable expectations on what you want out of life.  These Olympic ads always tell you to 'Reach for the stars!' and that is all fine and good in some situations, but has no bearing whatsoever on something like relationships.  I know too many people who try to offer this as real advice, and it's complete bullshit; counterproductive to a person trying to get through a tough time, often times just setting them up for future failures.

First of all, how does 'Reach for the stars' apply to people?  Do you think Jennifer Aniston would have anything in common with you, you stupid fuck?  What makes her a better person than anyone else, anywhere?  She's rich, and hot, and those are 2 things that you are most likely not, and VERY important selling points, I might add.

Second, why do you think someone is going to do something for you that you would not do for them?  Be reasonable about your expectations of others... follow the Golden-fucking-Rule, treat others the way you want to be treated.  See yourself in this persons shoes, even for a  minute, especially in any situation in which you do not understand their motivation.  What could be causing this person to act this way?  If it is someone that you are willing to say that you love, then WHY isn't this number one on your Shit-to-do list?  How can you possibly even use the word love if you are unable or unwilling to consider things from their point of view?

This isn't about selling yourself short, or conceding arguments, or giving up your life for another person... this is about understanding.  Understanding is love.  If you take the time to think, "Ok, he is upset, he is telling me that his balls are sticking to the side of his leg and he doesn't know what to do.  Get him some powder, and stop laughing,"  then you will be in that other persons head, just for that short time, and can resolve a problem.  The ONLY expectation you should have in a relationship, is understanding.  Saying anything else is just pure nonsense and self serving bullshit, that will inevitably lead you to more misery.  Saying 'I want a woman who can suck a good dick and slap together a helluva ham sandwich' or 'I want a man that tells the truth and treats me like a lady and lets me spend up all his money' is egotism.  It simply means that you have not taken the time or have the inclination to serve others through understanding.  You are the selfish one, without even considering your partners selfishness.  You have taken that prize.  Your partner can be an A-1 selfish prick, but if you haven't given the energy required to even fathom WHY they are a selfish dick-bag, then you can count yourself in to that same realm and be done with it.

Settling, as a concept, is a lie.  Understanding is what is needed, and it starts with you. Do not 'settle' for someone who does not make an attempt at understanding you, as this is a person incapable of real, honest, love.  How do you get there?  Fuck if I know, I just start with the understanding, and go from there.



The Angry Man

Waiting

I feel like I am spending my days wasting time, waiting for something to happen.  What am I waiting for?  I am enjoying myself, I am spending time with friends and family, I am doing precisely whatever in the fuck I want to do... yet I am not satisfied with it.  Consciously, I am quite happy, I know I am doing things in a good fashion.  But, every few days it seems that the dissatisfaction creeps into my demeanor and sends me off... Why?

I realize one thing today that may be the cause of it.  I am not involved in ANYTHING right now.  I am just going to work and going home and going to bed, and just doing all the routine things that a person has to do to maintain their livelihood.  Work extra hours, pay bills, feed kids, feed self, entertain self with tv, sleep, rinse, repeat.  These things are not bad things in and of themselves.  I will invite friends over for cards or movies or games, and we will do these things and enjoy it... but to me, it still feels like wasting time, waiting for something else to happen.  I am not engaged.

Whenever I was in a relationship, that relationship became what my life was about.  Pleasing that other person, using that person's initiative as my own initiative.  I became lazy.  Well, that's not really true, I AM a lazy mother fucker... but I didn't realize it at the time, and it became who I was.  Now that I am on my own, I find I am struggling to find my own initiative.  I panic.  I am definitely spontaneous (Potato Fuck Vagina Slushie), but I panic because I have no net to catch me if I fail.  I have to be my own net.  You know, like every other grown man on the goddamn planet, you dumb cunt... now go wax your bikini line and stand up for yourself!  HA!

Point here is that, you have to be engaged in something.  Taking time off is excellent... for a short time.  But, if you lose your reason for getting up in the morning... then you stop getting up in the morning.  I have spent the summer cooling my heels, and they are some cool shits now... time to get involved, bitch...



The Angry Man

Offense - 4 Deaths

This post is about something that has affected my life last year, in what was one of the few years that I actually recall what had happened. I don't say that like I'm some fucking drug-addict and every year is a blur... But, realistically, how often do you equate your experiences to the year they happened in? I remember clearly driving to Florida for vacation a few years ago, but i couldn't tell you without some serious calculation what year it actually was... 2008 will be forever remembered to me as the year of Four Deaths, and I will tell the story of why it is significant to me.

2008 was a BAD year... Economy was in the toilet, worried about losing my job, marriage falling apart... and four people I knew died in very different ways. The first was Jacob, a friend of mine from work. It was May 30th when I got the news. I was on vacation that week, and I got a text message saying I needed to call in to work for something important. I called my friend Angie, and she told me very directly "Um... dude... Jacob is dead." I was sitting in my moms driveway at the time, on my way to have dinner... and I couldn't move. People say things like "I was stunned!" or "My blood ran cold" or some shit like that... i just... COULDN'T... move. "What." i said in a total deadpan. "He killed himself last night", she told me. "I wanted to call you and tell you, so you didn't find out on Monday when you got back." I sat in Mom's driveway in silence for about a half an hour, before going in and telling her about the phone call I just had. I couldn't think of anything to do or say about it. It was what it was, no take-backs. Jacob was THE most upbeat person at the office. Everyday, he would walk by my desk and go "Helloooo!" with a big goofy smile, and we all loved that. His car would break down, and he would come in to work and say "Well, the alternator needs rebuilt. WEEE!!" and just laugh.

And then... he died. I had noticed a change in him at around the beginning of the year, but i didn't know anything about his personal life, and wasn't going to pry. I found out later that his wife had left him around that time. I'm not going to say some shit like "Oh, if only I had said something!" and blame myself for it... HE made the decision to cease living, and playing the 'coulda, woulda, shoulda' game is a waste of time and emotion. But, his death is the one that i find myself reliving the most out of the four... the one that is perhaps the most senseless. Jacobs suicide has had a lot to do with many of the choices I've made in the last year... because to me, while Jacob chose to die, I choose to live. I never did find out how he did it...

The second death of 2008 is that of my then Father-in-law, Bob. He was a good man, with some serious health problems caused, in my opinion, by a life too close to the edge for too long. He loved and helped everyone he came into contact with... even people who had ripped him off time and time again, he still helped them. And then, his wife died in 2006. His world died with her. It took two long, painful years for him to finally follow her, but he did. In the meantime, he all but ignored his old friends and family, his grandkids, his own health... He was rushed to the ER so many times during that period where they had to literally bring him back to life... and he would just sign himself out, call a ride home, and start the cycle all over again. Bob's death is as much of a suicide to me as Jacob's... both men found life too difficult to continue. Both made the choice to quit. I was the second person to witness his death; his girlfriend at the time draped over him, bawling, because her golden ticket had finally expired. I genuinely admired the man; but his giving up like that disgusts me to this day...

Death number three was surprisingly the easiest for me to handle, being that it was the only one that was a direct relative of mine. My grandmother, Murlene, (White Grandmaw we used to call her) was the toughest old bitch that ever put on boots and walked the land. She was 89 at the time of her death... Up until she broke her hip the first time in 2004, she used to mow her own lawn with a push mower EVERY week. I swear, she knew EVERYTHING there is to know about birds, plants, genealogy... She had like 30 grandchildren, and she remembered each one's birthday, as well as her kids' spouses, and her neighbors! Although she was my Dad's mom, she was my mom's best friend. She broke her hip for the second time in mid-October. She told the doctor at the time "If the surgery doesn't go well, just let me lie," and she signed a paper giving her wishes. The surgery actually went fine... but during recovery, she developed pneumonia, and spent over a week in hospice on pain killers. At first, i was upset that they were just letting her lay there in bed and basically starve to death... it just seemed cruel, no matter what her wishes were. Now I realize she was tired, and was going out on HER terms. On the outside, this seems similar to the first two deaths... but White Grandmaw had lived a good long time, and had earned that last rest. It is more like an honorable surrender to a superior opponent, than a cowardly bowing out, out of fear.

The last death is the one least connected with me personally, but was the hardest to handle. Eden was 8 years old. Of these four, she was the only one who wanted to live. She had been living with the utter debilitating pain of lymphoma her ENTIRE life... and yet, life was still too sweet for her to surrender it. I had only met her once, when she was 4 or 5, and bald because of the chemotherapy she was constantly under. Eden was as lively as any of the other kids, and totally unafraid to romp and play. Thinking about it now, I can barely stand to write the rest of this... but I will. It is important.

Her death was on December 27th... two days after the best Christmas she had ever had. They had let her grow her hair out for the previous few months, her parents having already been given the news that she had lost the fight. She dyed it pink, just because she could. She got everything that was ever made for Hannah Montana, and screamed like a maniac when she opened each one. She died at home. In her father's arms.

The funeral was January 1st, 2009. It was THE most soul-crushing event I've ever been to. There were probably 300 people at the church. I remember Jim Ganahl giving a speech about the first time he met Eden, at Red, White and Boom in 2006. I remember the high school cheerleaders, in tears, telling about making her an honorary member of their squad. I remember the tiny 7 year old girl, a cancer survivor and friend of Eden, saying very clearly into the microphone through her tears "I love you Eden, and I miss you." And yet, the worst part, was the song at the end. I don't know the singer, but the song was called "Don't tell me if I'm dying." Her mother, surprisingly serene and calm through the entire presentation, told us the story of the first time she had heard that song. She and Eden were riding in the car, and Eden said "Mommy, turn this song up!" She sang every word. Her mother had to pull over for 10 minutes because she was crying so hard. I remember seeing her tiny, still form lying in the casket.

SO... (wiping away the tears) why drag myself through this again? Because, it is important. Of these four well-loved people, only ONE of them wanted to live. So many people in this world give up on life... while others hang onto it tooth and nail, and have it stripped away. Forget all of your problems. Forget all of your religion and politics. Forget all of your insecurities, your obsessions, your doubts. LIVE. LOVE. FIGHT. Fight until the blood runs free from your veins, then fight some more. Let nothing stand in your way. I saw pictures from all over the country with Eden shaking hands with President Bush, Alan Jackson, Jim Ganahl, throwing the first pitch at baseball games, dropping the puck at hockey... she packed as much experience into her life as she possibly could. Of these fallen friends, I choose to take her example... the others will remain forever in my memory, as fuel for the fury that will sustain me.


The Angry Man