Good evening, depraved reader! I should post more than I do, but I try not to just post any old crap on here, and save my ramblings when I have something interesting to say. Which means, usually, RESEARCH. Which is hard. Other times, its an interesting story that has happened to me. Today, I'm going to delve into the world of philosophy, which is really my area of expertise (which suggests that I'm actually GOOD at anything!) and it also involves something I learned this weekend that got me thinking. As always, if the words 'Fuck', 'Shit', 'Asshole', 'Dingle berry' or anything else O-fends you... well, grow the fuck up, its just words. You've been warned...
I received some information this weekend that disturbed me. I'm not going to get into the details of the 'Who', because it was told to me in confidence, and the 'who' isn't really important, but the 'what'. A friend of mine was diagnosed with Cancer this week... but he doesn't know it. His wife told me, and that the doctor intentionally didn't tell him for stress reasons.
That sucks. But, as I said, its not the point here. Death is a part of life; we all know that, and must accept the reality of it. Now, it doesn't do any good to brood about it all the time either... thinking about death is time spent not thinking about life, so do it sparingly. But, what do you do when someone tells you your spouse is going to die? How do you handle it, when you cannot even TELL him or her?
I have strange ideas on what a 'spouse' is supposed to be. I don't even like the word 'spouse'; it so cold and queer sounding. For that matter, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, significant other... NONE of those words are adequate to describe what your 'spouse' is to you. Think about your 'vows'; you know, those coldly generic phrases you spit out to keep with the custom so you look good in front your your friends and family, all while keeping in line with what the state wants you to do. "To have, and to hold, till DEATH do us part".
This is not a treatise on how ignorant human beings are in regards to marriage. Lets take for granted that you actually meant that vow... and now its upon you. Imagine knowing that you only have ONE more year with this person. Then they will be gone. Not just moved away, but really gone from life entirely.
I've mentioned Jacob before, my friend whom I worked with that killed himself. I've had lots of friends at many different jobs... and at jobs, people quit or are fired, and you really never see them again. At first, that's how I tried to think about Jacob... that he had quit. But, it wasn't the same, because I KNEW he was dead. Another co-worker passed away about a month ago, Mary. She was about 60 and in poor health; she had the squad called into the office on more than one occasion in the past year. I tried thinking the same way about her... but, I was TOTALLY freaked out a couple of weeks ago, when I thought I saw her sitting at a desk talking to someone. (OK, it was toward the end of a 17 hour shift... still freaky!) What that illustrates is how much these people affected my mind... and they are just co-workers, not LIFE-PARTNERS. The people you work with are really closer to you than you might think.
Think about the things you do during the course of the year... Birthdays, Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Cookouts, Baseball games, concerts... things that you plan in a year with your family. As humans, we tend to do the same things each year with little to no variation... until something changes. Now, you've just been given the news that, in a year, your happy little life is going to be destroyed. Not ended... that would be easier... just fucking wrecked.
I'm pretty OK with the idea of my own death. Not that I'm looking forward to it or anything... but, really, if I died? What in the fuck would I care about anything? Sure, I can worry about my kids or my family... but, I'm more concerned about someone else dying than me. What is going to happen with MY life, if someone close to me dies? If I die... that's it. Nothing. As much as we like the idea of 'heaven' or life-after-death, that just isn't true. Forget the concept of 'Looking down on your family from heaven to hear what they say about you at your funeral." This is the juvenile idea that causes a lot of depressed people to commit suicide. When you are dead, you are dead. You aren't special. There have been billions of other human deaths prior to yours.
Having a parent die is something altogether different, at least for adults. Your mom and dad are not (or shouldn't be) people that you live with and see daily. At a certain age, you gain your own life which no longer has much to do with the people who raised you. Your parents (normally) are their to guide you through life, but it is also an understood part of life that your elders will pass on, and you will become the elder. I can't imagine a situation where a child dies, though I have seen it happen.
SO. Why do I think about shit like this? Am I just a sick fuck, fascinated with death? Or, do I just think about any and everything, because I'm 'nucking futs'? I do it, because it is important. I also know it is important not to dwell for any length of time on this type of thing. Don't spend a lot of time thinking about the 'what-ifs'... think about life. Think about today. Think about what you can do to get as much happiness out of life as you possibly can. Let a sick, douche-bag, asshole like me think about this sort of thing, and maybe keep you in perspective.
Or not. What the fuck ever...
The Angry Man
I received some information this weekend that disturbed me. I'm not going to get into the details of the 'Who', because it was told to me in confidence, and the 'who' isn't really important, but the 'what'. A friend of mine was diagnosed with Cancer this week... but he doesn't know it. His wife told me, and that the doctor intentionally didn't tell him for stress reasons.
That sucks. But, as I said, its not the point here. Death is a part of life; we all know that, and must accept the reality of it. Now, it doesn't do any good to brood about it all the time either... thinking about death is time spent not thinking about life, so do it sparingly. But, what do you do when someone tells you your spouse is going to die? How do you handle it, when you cannot even TELL him or her?
I have strange ideas on what a 'spouse' is supposed to be. I don't even like the word 'spouse'; it so cold and queer sounding. For that matter, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, significant other... NONE of those words are adequate to describe what your 'spouse' is to you. Think about your 'vows'; you know, those coldly generic phrases you spit out to keep with the custom so you look good in front your your friends and family, all while keeping in line with what the state wants you to do. "To have, and to hold, till DEATH do us part".
This is not a treatise on how ignorant human beings are in regards to marriage. Lets take for granted that you actually meant that vow... and now its upon you. Imagine knowing that you only have ONE more year with this person. Then they will be gone. Not just moved away, but really gone from life entirely.
I've mentioned Jacob before, my friend whom I worked with that killed himself. I've had lots of friends at many different jobs... and at jobs, people quit or are fired, and you really never see them again. At first, that's how I tried to think about Jacob... that he had quit. But, it wasn't the same, because I KNEW he was dead. Another co-worker passed away about a month ago, Mary. She was about 60 and in poor health; she had the squad called into the office on more than one occasion in the past year. I tried thinking the same way about her... but, I was TOTALLY freaked out a couple of weeks ago, when I thought I saw her sitting at a desk talking to someone. (OK, it was toward the end of a 17 hour shift... still freaky!) What that illustrates is how much these people affected my mind... and they are just co-workers, not LIFE-PARTNERS. The people you work with are really closer to you than you might think.
Think about the things you do during the course of the year... Birthdays, Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Cookouts, Baseball games, concerts... things that you plan in a year with your family. As humans, we tend to do the same things each year with little to no variation... until something changes. Now, you've just been given the news that, in a year, your happy little life is going to be destroyed. Not ended... that would be easier... just fucking wrecked.
I'm pretty OK with the idea of my own death. Not that I'm looking forward to it or anything... but, really, if I died? What in the fuck would I care about anything? Sure, I can worry about my kids or my family... but, I'm more concerned about someone else dying than me. What is going to happen with MY life, if someone close to me dies? If I die... that's it. Nothing. As much as we like the idea of 'heaven' or life-after-death, that just isn't true. Forget the concept of 'Looking down on your family from heaven to hear what they say about you at your funeral." This is the juvenile idea that causes a lot of depressed people to commit suicide. When you are dead, you are dead. You aren't special. There have been billions of other human deaths prior to yours.
Having a parent die is something altogether different, at least for adults. Your mom and dad are not (or shouldn't be) people that you live with and see daily. At a certain age, you gain your own life which no longer has much to do with the people who raised you. Your parents (normally) are their to guide you through life, but it is also an understood part of life that your elders will pass on, and you will become the elder. I can't imagine a situation where a child dies, though I have seen it happen.
SO. Why do I think about shit like this? Am I just a sick fuck, fascinated with death? Or, do I just think about any and everything, because I'm 'nucking futs'? I do it, because it is important. I also know it is important not to dwell for any length of time on this type of thing. Don't spend a lot of time thinking about the 'what-ifs'... think about life. Think about today. Think about what you can do to get as much happiness out of life as you possibly can. Let a sick, douche-bag, asshole like me think about this sort of thing, and maybe keep you in perspective.
Or not. What the fuck ever...
The Angry Man
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